Vehicle Maintenance Made Easy

Hi Silverhorners. Tonight its auto mechanic night here at beautiful Silverhorn Lodge, situated on majestic Silverhorn Mountain, overlooking the placid waters of Silverhorn Lake.

Not hard to tell it's Monday, nothing goes good, even here on Silverhorn Mountain. The Lodge 4X4, (actually $X$) started acting up this weekend. So I decided to fix it myself because no outdoorsman worth his salt or anyone elses, would ever take his vehicle to a mechanic. So good, all around handy type that I am, I took it apart....then I headed to Canadian Tire for parts. Spent a bunch of money on some 'maybeits' and came home to put them on.

For the uninitiated amongst us, 'maybeits' are stuff you buy at places like Canadian Tire when you are not sure what the problem is and what will fix it, so I go around the automotive section picking up stuff, reading the label and saying, "maybe it's this" which I ultimately buy. The only thing that saved me from bankruptcy was that they didn't have much stuff to fit my vehicle.

I did get this really cool notepad with a suction cup that sticks to the dash of the 4X4. It comes with a pencil that hangs from the rear view mirror. It's a safety feature. Instead of talking on a cell phone when I drive, I can just take a message and write it down on the notepad and return the call when I stop driving. I also got another stick on cup holder, can't have enough of those, in fact, we should include one in the Silverhorn Lodge Emergency Kit.

Then it was back to the Lodge to start tearing off stuff and attaching new stuff. Tonight it was spark plugs and an oil change. Which is essentially all I know how to do. The good news is, I find it is usually helpful. No matter if it's the radio that's not working or a flat tire, the first thing I do is change the spark plugs and the oil. I would have liked to have bought an air filter but they didn't seem to have one to fit the 4X4 or the one they did was pretty friggin expensive, so I just took the one I have off and vacuumed it. Yes folks, I vacuumed it.... It may not work any better but it sure is clean to look at. Tried to get a pvc valve or a pcv valve, or a cpv valve...whatever, but they didn't have one to fit, and besides, I wasn't really sure where it went anyway. Come to think of it I already have a bunch of them in a box marked spare stuff. Wish I knew where they go.....

So, after pulling the spark plug wires apart trying to get the plugs out, I learned quite a bit about automotive ignition systems, but I eventually got them stuck back together and the plugs installed, all systems normal....I think.

Then it was a simple matter of popping off the oil filter and unscrewing the drain plug, catching the oil in a pan.....well most of the oil. Some of it missed the pan (oops) so I mopped it up with some newspapers and some dirt. My kingdom for a frigging rag....apparently around here we don't stock rags so another shirt had to bite the dust. I almost used my favorite red and black hunting shirt but at the last minute thought better of it and used a wool sweater. The soft absorbancy of the wool sweater sure worked great on the oil. I don't think my wife is even going to miss the sweater....after all, it's summer now, she won't look for it until the fall. By then I can just pretend to know nothing about it, in fact, I will try to make her think I don't even know what sweater she is talking about...fortunately she doesn't usually read these columns.

Now before you get all environmental on me about oil, let me tell ya this, recent independent studies (I believe funded by the American Oil Companies) have shown that spilled oil only kills the bad fish....how they know this I'm not sure, although we have the trusty team of Silverhorn Researchers researching it now. Two of them are studying me. I am not a fish but I am covered in oil and I am still ok...well almost ok. Besides I got it sopped up....

So, got that done and only used one band aid, which for me is a bit of a record. I have discovered that motor oil does burn a little when it gets in a cut....Has anyone noticed that band aids don't stick like they used to? I can't get them to stick on me...my wife says it is because I am greasy.....strangely enough, she said that before I started working on the 4X4.....she also remarked how wonderful it was that I got it all back under the hood and didn't have any parts left over. Ha! She didn't look in the trunk. It's all good though, it will be there if I need it.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat some more but the environment inspector guys are outside, looking at what they claim is an oil spill....they are talking to that damm gnome, Marcello, and he is pointing toward the lodge.... see ya!!!