A Silverhorn Christmas

T'was the night before Christmas,
when all over Silverhorn Mountain,
Not a creature was stirring, it was so cold the water froze in the fountain.
Parkas and long johns were worn by all here
As we sat by the chimmney in the hopes heat would be there.

The fire had gone out, the embers gone dead
While visions of flames danced in my halucinating head,
While I had done all my shopping with tender care,
I forgot to get wood, and the woodshed was bare.

When out on in the front porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my footstool to see what was the matter.
Away to the front door I flew like a goose,
But I tripped and fell face first, my shoelaces were loose.

A big jolly guy in a nice working suit stood on the stoop,
He said,"I wonder if I could come in for a second, too many milk and cookies, I need to have poop!"
When, behind him in the driveway, to my surprise my heart soared,
A tandem firewood truck full to the top with at least 3 cord.

With a great long stride, followed by a shuffle,
He moved quickly past me, but a fart he couldn't muffle.
Away to the outhouse, I roared like a lion,
I wasn't going to have the lodge bathroom smell like something dying.

I got his attention, cause he wiggled and turned, so lively and quick,
I knew in an instant, this might be that guy...old what's his name, hmmm...Nick?
I thought for a moment, but he couldn't wait,
He shuffled upstairs with a lively old gait.

More rapid than eagles the odors they came,
And my new guest, he whistled, shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
I've seen a lot in my years, and heard much too
But this was the first time a fart smelled like burned stew.

As Christmas's go, I have seen very many,
But this was a Christmas unlike any,
When the big fellow let go a full fledged bellow
I swear the snow neath my feet turned a very bright yellow.

I had never been exposed to such a stench,
Except the one time the septic field oozed out under the fence
But he came and he went in such Christmas flash,
I wondered a second if he was Jumpin' Jack Flash

And then, in a twinkling, I saw him let go,
Of the load of firewood that his truck had in tow,
All over the driveway, it even crushed my old truck,
But I was so happy to have wood, I didn't give a f...(insert word of your choice)
No longer worried about freezing to death
I started prancing and dancing and pawing the ground,
Much to the amusement of the wife and everyone else around.

I waved to my new friend as he climbed in his rig
I wondered briefly what was his gig,
He was covered in sweat from his head to his boot,
And I chuckled thinking he was a smelly old coot.
His red coat was rotten, all tattered and torn,
And I realized at the time, he looked quite forlorn.

So I invited him in to the Silverhorn Christmas Table,
But I told him upfront, he must sleep in the stable
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a berry,
It was then I knew he had drank all our sherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a grin,
As I stood back from the door and invited him in.
He was a short little guy with a little fat belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his nose,
That was when I could see he was wearing panty hose.

He spoke not a word, but went right to the food.
If it wasn't for the firewood, I would think him quite rude.
And laying a finger aside of his nose,
He blew clear a nostril, all over his hose.

He sprang to his feet, and gave me a look,
Please pass along my compliments to the cook!
Well I must be going, there's so much to do,
However, I wonder, could you pack me a little of that stew?

With food in hand, and a thermos of hot tea,
He hugged the wife, and felt her up, as he shook hands with me.
The wife she giggled, and was acting quite frisky,
It was then I realized, she had drank all the whiskey.

Then out of the door he carried my wife off to his truck,
I thanked the good Lord for all my good luck.
And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
You can have her back sometime after midnight.
Merry Christmas to All, and to all a good night!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU AND YOURS FROM BOB PARKER AND THE GANG AT SILVERHORN LODGE
WE HOPE SANTA FINDS YOU NO MATTER WHERE YOU HIDE!!