Roto-tilling through Life at the Lodge

Hi Silverhorners, friends, family and total strangers. Welcome to The View From Silverhorn Lodge, nestled on the side of beautiful Silverhorn Lake, situated on the side of Silverhorn Mountain.

Well, it's Wednesday, another week on the run, only 2 more days to go until the weekend, whoopee! Like the tough guys on TV say when they are sentenced to prison, "I can do two days standing on my head".(although they are usually going to prison for more than 2 days, but when you consider time served and parole, I suppose two days is all some of them actually do serve.

I'm happy to report the Lodge 4X4 is still running, considering I fixed it the other night, so far so good. I don't like to take it anywhere yet because I don't trust the mechanic, but it has been running fine in the driveway. I have to steer clear of mechanic talk tonight because I will end up with a bunch more ads for auto repairs and I don't think they get much attention from my loyal readers.

So lets talk about something that might interest you.....hmmm.....well........OK I am out of ideas.....

Ha! Yeah right...Like I am gonna run out of stuff to write about. Tonight I am planning my frontal assault on the cinch bugs in the back yard. (a frontal assault on the back yard....what a strategy) So I am renting my rototiller back from my buddy who borrowed it, (he drives a hard bargain) and I plan to dig the back yard up. Nothing but overturned sod and weeds and dandilions. We'll see how the bloody cinch bugs feel after that hits them. Then a couple of thousand dollars worth of fertilizer and grass seed, 50,000 gallons of water and about 8 weeks and presto, I will have a lawn to mow again rather than weeds to dig. Nothing to it. To think those lawn care guys wanted to charge me $275.00 to fix it. Who they kidding, I didn't get to be the chief caretaker of this Lodge by being dumb.....I sold the lawnmower to pay for the grass seed.

I plan to put Marcello and the gang to work on it, after all they are garden gnomes, they are going to have to garden instead of just standing around here looking at the guests.

We had a planning meeting here at the Lodge this afternoon. Things aren't going to great on the financial front for the EBayers and Lord knows you guys don't understand the importance of looking at the odd advertisement so we have to come up with some new fresh ideas. So good news for all our Silverhorn Lodge members, we are planning a Silverhorn Lodge Website...yup, a website. Finally you will be able to purchase genuine Silverhorn Lodge products, like our emergency kits, clothes, collectibles and all kinds of other junk, I mean valuable products. Now don't wet your pants in excitement, this is gonna take some time but it's coming, so hold tight and save your money. Deep discounts for members and bulk purchases. No refunds or exchanges all sales final.

Now, I apologize because I have been remiss in keeping you informed (we do the research so you don't have to) so I got the team of Silverhorn researchers researching and here's something you may have missed, a man and an accomplice, (who we assume was another man) were arrested in Ogdensburg New York for stealing calves. Apparently he stuffed seven of them in his 2000 Dodge Neon and drove them to, you guessed it a barn...and was arrested. When we steal cows around here we take them to the butcher...He is charged with theft and grand larceny whatever that is, sounds like he and his buddy are in a bit of cow manure....this is not bull shit folks, I don't make this stuff up....

And in unrelated news, another gentleman was arrested in Florida for carrying a flare gun and prancing about the streets in a purple ladies swimsuit, I guess the kind with a little skirt affair because that is where he hid the flare gun..Now...here we go again, back to the old "Am I Stupid?" blog, what was this guy thinking? Everyone knows that purple is not a good color on a man.....

Don't be afraid to add a comment, I'll publish it!

Vehicle Maintenance Made Easy

Hi Silverhorners. Tonight its auto mechanic night here at beautiful Silverhorn Lodge, situated on majestic Silverhorn Mountain, overlooking the placid waters of Silverhorn Lake.

Not hard to tell it's Monday, nothing goes good, even here on Silverhorn Mountain. The Lodge 4X4, (actually $X$) started acting up this weekend. So I decided to fix it myself because no outdoorsman worth his salt or anyone elses, would ever take his vehicle to a mechanic. So good, all around handy type that I am, I took it apart....then I headed to Canadian Tire for parts. Spent a bunch of money on some 'maybeits' and came home to put them on.

For the uninitiated amongst us, 'maybeits' are stuff you buy at places like Canadian Tire when you are not sure what the problem is and what will fix it, so I go around the automotive section picking up stuff, reading the label and saying, "maybe it's this" which I ultimately buy. The only thing that saved me from bankruptcy was that they didn't have much stuff to fit my vehicle.

I did get this really cool notepad with a suction cup that sticks to the dash of the 4X4. It comes with a pencil that hangs from the rear view mirror. It's a safety feature. Instead of talking on a cell phone when I drive, I can just take a message and write it down on the notepad and return the call when I stop driving. I also got another stick on cup holder, can't have enough of those, in fact, we should include one in the Silverhorn Lodge Emergency Kit.

Then it was back to the Lodge to start tearing off stuff and attaching new stuff. Tonight it was spark plugs and an oil change. Which is essentially all I know how to do. The good news is, I find it is usually helpful. No matter if it's the radio that's not working or a flat tire, the first thing I do is change the spark plugs and the oil. I would have liked to have bought an air filter but they didn't seem to have one to fit the 4X4 or the one they did was pretty friggin expensive, so I just took the one I have off and vacuumed it. Yes folks, I vacuumed it.... It may not work any better but it sure is clean to look at. Tried to get a pvc valve or a pcv valve, or a cpv valve...whatever, but they didn't have one to fit, and besides, I wasn't really sure where it went anyway. Come to think of it I already have a bunch of them in a box marked spare stuff. Wish I knew where they go.....

So, after pulling the spark plug wires apart trying to get the plugs out, I learned quite a bit about automotive ignition systems, but I eventually got them stuck back together and the plugs installed, all systems normal....I think.

Then it was a simple matter of popping off the oil filter and unscrewing the drain plug, catching the oil in a pan.....well most of the oil. Some of it missed the pan (oops) so I mopped it up with some newspapers and some dirt. My kingdom for a frigging rag....apparently around here we don't stock rags so another shirt had to bite the dust. I almost used my favorite red and black hunting shirt but at the last minute thought better of it and used a wool sweater. The soft absorbancy of the wool sweater sure worked great on the oil. I don't think my wife is even going to miss the sweater....after all, it's summer now, she won't look for it until the fall. By then I can just pretend to know nothing about it, in fact, I will try to make her think I don't even know what sweater she is talking about...fortunately she doesn't usually read these columns.

Now before you get all environmental on me about oil, let me tell ya this, recent independent studies (I believe funded by the American Oil Companies) have shown that spilled oil only kills the bad fish....how they know this I'm not sure, although we have the trusty team of Silverhorn Researchers researching it now. Two of them are studying me. I am not a fish but I am covered in oil and I am still ok...well almost ok. Besides I got it sopped up....

So, got that done and only used one band aid, which for me is a bit of a record. I have discovered that motor oil does burn a little when it gets in a cut....Has anyone noticed that band aids don't stick like they used to? I can't get them to stick on me...my wife says it is because I am greasy.....strangely enough, she said that before I started working on the 4X4.....she also remarked how wonderful it was that I got it all back under the hood and didn't have any parts left over. Ha! She didn't look in the trunk. It's all good though, it will be there if I need it.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat some more but the environment inspector guys are outside, looking at what they claim is an oil spill....they are talking to that damm gnome, Marcello, and he is pointing toward the lodge.... see ya!!!

The Love Bridge, Flies and Leaky Waders

Ahh..Sunday night, Thank God...I need to get back to work to get a rest.....busy weekend around the Lodge. After standing around most of Saturday morning, looking at stuff....Saturday afternoon I decided to get a lot of it done. You just never know when the urge to work like a bastard is gonna strike.....

People think having a beautiful mountain lodge is peaceful and nice...yeah nice. Between the bears and the coyotes and the flies, I will take the bears and coyotes. At least you can shoot them, or hollar at them and they will usually run away. I say usually, because ya never know with a bear or coyote. I prefer method number one to method number two. I am referring to 'methods' because of the tree huggers who may object to actually hearing about 'method number one'. Unfortunately with flies, neither method is very effective. Hollaring doesn't work and shooting them takes a lot of bullets and you have to be a very good shot....

And the work...oh geez the work. It never ends around here, and as much as I hate to say it, having a crew of Garden Gnomes around is not much help. They are extremely difficult to motiviate.

So Saturday afternoon, liberally doused in fly spray, sunscreen, long sleeves and leaky chest waders I went out to take on the world.

I found most of what's left of the Lodge wharf and after a lot of hammering and screwing (with a screwdriver....) I got it back in shape. Well, at least back in some form of presentable shape, enough to stick it in front of the Lodge and let someone else tie their boat to it. I am keeping my boat pulled up on shore until I see how this goes....

I discovered a little late that duct tape doesn't do a great job patching chest waders. It holds pretty good until you get in the water. I suppose it depends on the size of the hole in the boots. Maybe a small hole would be ok. In my case I ripped most of the knee out last year putting in the wharf, a little more than duct tape can handle. The good news is, I have discovered that as long as you don't think about it too much, water in chest waders tends to warm up, almost like a wet suit. Hypothermia didn't really hit until I took them off for supper.

The wharf looks pretty good though. I put a railing on both sides that is partially wood and partially fancy white braided rope. I told my gang from now on the wharf is no longer to be called the wharf. It is now called "The Love Bridge" it looks so romantic with it's white braided rope railing. I am thinking about putting a sign on it. Standing back admiring it, I can just imagine two young lovers strolling out to the end of the wharf, where they are married in front of their friends and family. Of course the image is usually quickly shattered by the image of the wharf collapsing under the weight of their friends and family.......Whew, another excuse not to get married, the wharf won't stand it.....gotta put that in my little book of excuses. Besides, once ya get married, the Love Bridge would have to be renamed The Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

Apparently the flies were sooooo bad this weekend, my gang stayed inside for two days straight. That got them all out of working, idiot that I am I believed them when they said encouragingly, "Of course they don't bother you like they bother us, you are tough." Buying in to the ruse that I was the tough one, I spent the two days outside fighting the flies, I think they won. At one point while I was putting the wharf in, I considered diving under for a few minutes to get some relief. Considering I was wearing leaky waders I eventually thought better of it. Besides the women were watching me from the window, I didn't want them to know the flies were bothering me. I did manage to get even a little. In the afternoon I slipped a couple of hardwood logs into the wood stove and cranked it up....apparently it got a little warm in there......I dunno, I was outside with the flies.

My oldest daughter did remark that as she was watching me struggle with 700 pounds of floating dock that she was thinking that I was getting old......old.....me....??? She even said she was wondering who was going to do it all when I was no longer fit enough to do all the manual labour that needs doing around the Lodge. Apparently that is any day now, at least according to her. I suggested she marry someone strong and handy with tools. Later on when she told her grandfather what I had said, he suggested she forget marrying someone strong and handy and marry someone wealthy who can hire someone strong and handy.....

That left the wharf work up to Marcello and I and the other little guys. They aren't much help.For one thing, they can only go about 6 inches from shore before they are over their heads. For another, they all fit in one pair of chest waders, although, once inside they can't see or walk. In the end, they just stood around telling me what I was doing wrong. I thought about hanging them all from the white braided rope but I was afraid it might get me in trouble.

The DaVinci Pandemic

Hi All, Happy Wednesday! The week is half finished, and tomorrow is payday! Whoo Hoo! Bills to pay!

Congratulations to those more astute readers who cracked the 'code' in Marcello's story, 'The DaVinci Code, A Garden Gnome Perspective" To those of you who missed it...ah well, don't beat yourself up to bad, as I said yesterday, just refer back to my earlier article, "Am I Stupid?" you may find something there you can relate to.

Marcello and I were sitting on the front porch of the Lodge this evening watching the sunset over beautiful Silverhorn Lake when of course, the subject of the DaVinci Code came up. The little bugger never misses a chance to draw me into a conversation about it, or the Holy Grail, or a related subject. Anyway, tonight Marcello was commenting on the Catholic Church's response to the DaVinci Code story and he made an interesting point.

Since the publication of the book, and now more than ever since the release of the movie, the Catholic Church has come out against the Code story. Many books have been penned rebuking the story, and the Church has made no secret of it's displeasure (is that a word?) with the tale. In fact tonight I noticed a sign on a local church billboard, 'Jesus is the DeCoder'.

Fair enough, but what Marcello, my astute little garden gnome noted is how the Church appears so interested in discrediting what the author himself has described as a work of fiction...fiction....yes, someone should let the folks at the Vatican know that fiction means made up, fabricated, not true facts, as opposed to non-fiction, which should hold a ring of truth. However, the Church, wittingly or unwittingly, has provided Dan Brown and his book with lots of additional publicity, perhaps more than he could have hoped for had they ignored it as a piece of pulp fiction. Their response plants the idea, at least in Marcello's small gnome cement mind, that perhaps there is more non-fiction involved than they would like us to believe....Well, that is the opinion of a garden gnome, I have yet to make up my mind. Perhaps they have decided to pay it great credence, in order to convince suckers like Marcello and me it is a conspiracy, thus hiding the true conspiracy....nah...they just aren't that calculating ....

My final word on this subject, at least for now, is read the Holy Blood and the Holy Grail, by Michael Baigent, Richard Leigh and Henry Lincoln, it is informative, interesting, perhaps wrong as well, but it will give you things to think about. While you are at it, pick up and read The Second Messiah by Christopher Knight and Robert Lomas, The Dead Sea Scrolls Deception, also by Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh, oh yeah, while you are doing some summer reading, grab a copy of Controlling cholesterol by Kenneth Cooper, MD, MPH, it isn't as interesting as the Holy Blood, but it does have to do with blood and it may save your life. There, I plugged my guys, I am done with it. My final word...I promise, no more DaVinci Code....Marcello on the other hand, may have more to say if I ever let him near the computer again.

Changing the subject before I am sued or visited by members of the 'Opes Dei' squad, lets move on....The ambitious Ebayers are still cooking with gas, selling the chair right out from underneath me. The convinced someone in Seattle that it is a collectors item used by the famous or infamous author of The View From Silverhorn Lodge to write his enthralling treatises (I think that's a word) on life and in particular life on the mountain. I think they got $5.00 for it but they seem excited anyway because it is in US dollars.....Now they want me to find a box big enough to ship it to Seattle.

And speaking of pandemics, (don't bother to read back, I wasn't really speaking of pandemics) due to the much reported pandemic that is in the news on a regular if not daily basis, I have asked my team of researchers to pull together some pandemic planning for the Lodge, in case the bird flu, or chicken pox or mad garden gnome disease strikes around here. I am not putting a lot of effort into it because I catch whatever is going so if a pandemic is coming, and it's lethal, I am pretty much resigned to being one of the first to go anyway, so why spend too much time worrying about it. Around the lodge the management team feel that a plan is necessary so we can stay in business if the pandemic strikes....yeah...well, here is my plan.
Disaster - Pandemic Strikes Silverhorn Mountain
Response - Silverhorn Lodge Closed, owner barricaded in basement with food, water, girl and shotgun loaded with 3000 bullets.
End of Pandemic Plan.

Oh yeah, card carrying members of the lodge are welcome to join me provided they bring a doctors certificate indicating they are pandemic free and provided they bring more girls and bullets......





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The Care and Maintenance of Garden Gnomes

Hello Silverhorner! Welcome to the Mountain.

Well things are settling down after a long weekend here on Silverhorn Mountain. Today was back to work, back to normal life again. Although, here on Silverhorn Mountain, normal is not always normal. However, it is time to get back to the business of running Silverhorn Lodge and keeping this blog going with lots of informative, useful, tantalizing, topical, exciting information for my loyal readers.

Apparently I have sparked an interest in Garden Gnomes, I don't know if it is me, or Marcello who has done more for the little fellas, but I suppose being one himself, Marcello has a vested interest and can certainly speak from their point of view, which by the way is usually fairly low to the ground.

So, because of the Garden Gnome fenonminon....phonomona....finnomina....oh Hell...Garden Gnome excitement that Marcello and I have sparked, I thought a manual would be in order, to help new owners of the little guys adjust to having them around. I took Marcello for a little walk this evening and he gave me some tips that I thought you might be interested in reading. Marcello is the past president of the Canadian Association of Garden Elves (CAGE) and as such, is quite knowlegeable about garden gnomes and the challenges faced by them. As the secretary of the local chapter of the Mountain Lodge Owners Of Garden Gnomes, (MLOOGE) I know a little something about the challenges faced by owners of garden gnomes. So between the two of us, we put together the following.

So in keeping with that, here are a few things you should know:

1) Look down alot when you are walking around the garden, they tend to sneak up and trip you. They often hide behind shrubbery.

2) They don't require food. No matter what they may try to convince you, and they are convincing little guys, they are usually made of plastic or cement...they don't eat. (although mine have been known to break into the liquor cabinet and drink a bit).

3) If a guest claims that one of them looked up her dress, he probably did, but don't be too hard on the little guy, she was probably teasing him. If he has a camera in his hand, it is mine, and I want it back....

4) Regardless of how much they go on about it, they cannot under any circumstances drive cars or trucks. They are much too short to see over the steering wheel, and they are not very flexible when it comes to steering. However, they can mow the lawn, although they have to be watched. Marcello has this annoying habit of standing behind the mower not moving until it runs out of gas. Then my wife gets mad and makes me cut the grass.

5) They are pretty good fishing buddies, they are not very good at reeling but they don't need a licence. (They are exempt under the Garden Gnome Fishing Regulations) However, they do tend to brag about the big ones that got away. The other problem is they seldom shut up so if you don't mind fishing with someone who talks to you all day long, take a garden gnome, if you like peace and quiet, make your wife mad, then take her along.

6) Garden Gnomes tend to get...well...a little stinky....especially if you spread manure on your garden. I am pretty sure they roll in it when you are not looking. That's why my wife always gets mad when Marcello, (it's always Marcello, the others are much less trouble) climbs into bed with us. She says I put him there, but I didn't really, he gets in himself.

7) When it comes to Garden Gnomes, a little goes a long way. One or two strategically placed around your yard may look kind of cute. 10 or 15 start to look like an obsesssion and anymore than that are an indication of serious problems, seek professional help.

8) After you say something smart alecky behind someone's back, don't point to the gnome and gasp as if you are shocked he would say something so rude. Unlike you, most people know garden gnomes don't talk. At least not to strangers......

9)They love to go for a drive, put one in a baby seat and drive around, hopefully you will be stopped by the police. If so, tell the cop you were driving fast because your baby needs to get home for a feeding. Tell him you breast feed.....

10) Don't let them near a computer. Marcello jumps on this one every chance he gets and look at the mess I am in now....secondly, they go right for the pornography sites and can rack up quite a credit card bill, which of course is the point of this final garden gnome ownership manual, never, ever let them have your credit card.

So that about sums up the care and maintenance of garden gnomes. Hopefully you will find one that is good company, intelligent and doesn't bite....did I mention some of them bite.....

By the way, did any of you astute readers figure out the pathetic little 'secret' code that Marcello left in his last blog, called "The DaVinci Code- A Garden Gnome's Perspective" ? He is such a conspiracy theorist and really gets carried away with what he calls 'the esoteric'. Unfortunately he reads a little too much.....we have learned around the lodge not to mention anything to do with the DaVinci Code around him, he gets carried away......

Remember our motto ! "We do the research so you don't have to"


See ya!

Sunday Morning Coming Down

On a Sunday Morning Sidewalk...with Sunday Morning Coming Down...anyone know who wrote that song? "and there's nothing like a Sunday..." Anyway, don't worry about it, just was in my mind this morning as it is most Sunday mornings....Can't imagine why.... I think it was Gordon Lightfoot.....

Fishing this weekend, bouncing around Silverhorn Lake in an open boat, man was it rough on Saturday. I love it, nothing like a little life risking to get your blood pumping....Friday night was like a small hurricane, I thought the Lodge might blow off the foundation. I brought a bunch of big rocks into the living room for extra weight. Must have worked because we weathered the storm. Now I have all these friggin rocks inside and my wife is talking about making it into a rock garden. She loves to garden my wife....

Fishing hasn't been great but not too bad either, caught a few, released a few and pretended to have lots of bites to keep it interesting. We also found most of the missing wharf and after a laborious trip managed to get it towed back to the lodge. So now we have the floating parts, the walkways in between are missing, so it requires a running start and a couple of big jumps to get out to the end of it. Kind of fun actually, if you don't mind cold water.

Speaking of Gordon Lightfoot, last night we drove into town, to attend a dance. You know me, renaissance man that I am, fishing one minute, dancing the next, stopping in the middle to write an informative article, and maybe paint a picture.....

Anyway, at the dance I kicked up my heels (Bob Lightfoot) and showed the crowd a few of my fancier moves. After the song ended I was a little out of breath, so I went back to the table to find my wife. (did I mention she doesn't particularly like to dance with me...I don't think she can keep up) So, back at the table I discover her gone, but another lady is sitting there, apparently the Mrs discovered a guy who can 'jive'...(I don't mean a jjjive talker...althought he might be that too), I mean a jive dancer.

The Mrs and her new dance partner were out on the dance floor, and as I looked up, she was kicking up her heels and spinning around like she was on ice....when he slid her between his legs and out the other side and her mini skirt rode up on her ass the crowd cheered...I lit a cigarette.....this was gonna be a long night.....

Whoo friggin whoo...didn't she have fun....in the meantime, while the Mrs and her new partner trip the light fantastic they leave me sitting at the table with the jiver's wife...she apparently doesn't dance....just as well, I was a little tired from doing the Chicken dance all by myself...... No problem, brilliant conversationalist that I am, I can entertain her, except I find out halfway into the enthralling story I am telling her about the significance of geodetic markers in the Nova Scotia landscape and their relationship to the planet Venus, when she writes me a note....a note....I read the note....turns out she is deaf, poor soul.....can't hear a word, and can't speak, doesn't read lips either....

I hesitated for a second, looking back to the dance floor I see the wife was now upside down on her new jive partners back doing some kind of flip that would make the audience of Dancing with the Stars applaud.....and in fact did get some kind of mention from the DJ...so...I took a big drink of my Rum Cokatina and turning back to my new friend, I continued with my story, she sat there smiling....I think she enjoyed it.....

Well, I better get going, Sunday afternoon will be coming down soon and my wife needs her back rubbed, apparently jiving takes its toll.......by the way, did anyone else know you are not supposed to do the chicken dance unless they play the Chicken Dance song....?

The DaVinci Code - A Garden Gnome Perspective

Hi, welcome back to the Mountain.
Marcello, the head garden gnome around this place here today, the Boss and Mrs Boss have taken a few day off and gone fishing. He forgot to shut off the computer before he left so here I am. I think tonight we will stray from the usual important True stuff that the Boss tells ya about and try something different. Unlike that pathetic wimp of a Boss I have, I am going to be controversial. None of this namby pamby plumbing stories he usually tells.

I'll bet you have often wondered what garden gnomes are thinking about as they stand there all day long. Well, I am going to let you in on what this one is thinking about....

This is a big week here on Silverhorn Mountain. Today is opening day for the DaVinci Code movie at the Silverhorn Multiplex Theatre, they are expecting a crowd so they are showing it both of the theatres. All week the news shows have been featuring something to do with the movie, the Knights Templar, the Masons, the Opes Dei and any other not so secret secret organization they can uncover or make up. People are talking about it, the news is full of it, everyone is thinking DaVinci Code.

Although I haven't read the DaVinci Code yet because the Boss is too cheap to buy it for me, I have read a few books on the subject and on things that the DaVinci Code is premised on. I can recommend several books, but the DaVinci Code not one of them. Besides, it is fiction and therefore the author, Dan Brown is allowed to take some poetic license in his story. We here at the Silverhorn frown on poetic license, preferring to stick to the facts.....

If anything, the DaVinci Code does draw attention to a subject that many people would never have encountered otherwise. I am a bit of a conspiracy theorist anyway, so this stuff is fodder for my over active imagination. I'm a garden gnome, I have a lot of time to stand around thinking about stuff.

As you know, we here at Silverhorn Lodge pride ourselves on keeping you informed as well as entertained. You know the slogan off by heart by now, but just in case you don't here it is...."We do the Research so you don't have to". However, I fear that if I do all the research for you regarding this subject, I will shortchange you from experiencing the excitement of the mystery being part of the journey of discovery. (Sounds pretty deep for a garden gnome doesn't it....)

In keeping with the DaVinci Code theme of mystery and clues, I will give you a few clues, no not clues, but things to look at and consider. Now some of this is in no particular order, and that is on purpose, because again, I don't want to usurp your own discovery. This is a subject that grows and grows and to be honest, I doubt we will ever know or believe the complete truth unless someone from another planet like Venus comes to tell us. This stuff is so hard to pin down that it is far easier to write it off as bunk and move on, but....if you get into it, you will find things that have to make you wonder. If you have read the DaVinci Code and I expect you have, because I may be the only person left who hasn't....most of this will be familiar to you.

My research has left more questions than answers, so here are some of the questions:

The Holy Grail, is it a fancy cup that held the blood of Christ? Or is it a treasure? Or is it a family bloodline, preserved throughout the ages?

What is buried, or was buried at Oak Island? What connection does it have to the Knights Templar and the Masonic Lodge?

Did you know the remains of a 13th century castle are still visible at the mouth of a river on the south shore of Nova Scotia, that's a couple years before Columbus....

Could Glooscap, the famous pale Godlike figure worshipped by the native population actually be a Scot, who landed here many years before Columbus and the rest of the crew? What is his connection to the Templars?

Why is New Scotland the translation for the gaelic Nova Scotia? The Scots and the Vikings were interrelated prior to coming here, and we all know now that the vikings were here before Columbus.

The locations of the Geodetic Survey markers that are situated all over Nova Scotia, what's close to them, what do they line up with, and the surrounding geography?

The Knights Templar who began as a small band of noblemen who gave up all their riches to join the order were sent to Jerusalem to guard the pilgrims. But they didn't do much of that, instead they spent years digging under Solomen's Temple and emerged richer than anyone in Europe, including Kings and Popes, until the Pope rounded them all up on Friday the 13th 1307 and had them tortured, imprisoned and killed. Where did their treasure disappear to, and what was it?

How does a two foot tall garden gnome with one cement finger permanently pointed in the air manage to type a blog? What is my finger pointing at? Could it be a star?

Is the Boss really gone fishing? Why has he taken a metal detector and a shovel?

What do pyramids have to do with all of this?

Who are the Masons? No, not the Mason family from Knotty Pine Corner, the real Masonic Masons.....what are they up to....? Why have many prominent members been so interested in Oak Island? Including a US President?

Why does moss always grow on the south side of trees...or does it?

Why does the Catholic Church seem interested in discrediting the DaVinci Code? Considering it is supposedly a work of fiction?

What does the planet Venus, otherwise known as the Eastern Star or the Morning Star have to do with all of this? You have to get up pretty early to see it, Venus comes up just before the sun. As a garden gnome I have had the priviledge of watching it come up for many many years except when the Boss has me standing facing the wrong way.

Is there really a Priory of Sion, (or Prieure de Sion ) secret organization controlling or trying to control the world? Are they really behind Tim Hortons coffee shops? Are they trying to addict us to the coffee for a reason....not addicted you say....would you like one now? I thought so.......

Is it oil that the US wants from the Middle East, or is it something else?

Can I buy the Holy Grail Cup on Ebay...?

Was there really a King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table? Was his name really Arterus?

If you really had a secret, a big secret....and there was a danger of it getting out, would it not be prudent to release a lot of 'secrets', conflicting and otherwise, some true and some pure fabrication, to confuse the seekers of the truth? As a semi professional liar, it has been my experience that the more elaborate and fanciful the lie, the more people will believe it. What about that, it seems all the 'secrets' are coming out now, or are they.....?

Another thing, how do you know the DaVinci Code is not just a carefully crafted coded message for something else? Perhaps there is a code within the code? Is something being revealed beneath the stuff that is obviously being revealed? As you sit there munching your $45.00 box of popcorn and slurping your $27.00 mega pop, are you missing something cleverly buried in the movie? Are you so caught up in the story that you are missing the story?

There ya go, some things to think about. Oh, one more thing....what is really hidden in these blogs? Secret messages, hidden truths, or are they as shallow as they first appear?

Good luck getting in to see the DaVinci Code, it is probably going to be a long lineup.....

Well I must go, one of the other gnomes just successfully picked the lock on the Boss's liquor cabinet, and we are having a party....

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Plumbing Made Easy

Hi - Ho Silverhorners!

From time to time I get called in to consult on problems people have around their homes and cottages here on the mountain. Today is no exception, I ran in to one of our members who related a story involving a water problem, at first I thought she was referring to her husband, but then I realized it was a plumbing problem under her cottage. I am not called in to assist or give advice because of my skill as a handyman, I'm just nosy, and a little curious. Rather than cut a hole in a wall here at Silverhorn Lodge, better to do it down the road at someone else's place to see what happens. Besides, someone has hidden most of my tools since the big messy episode with the hole cutting drill and the water pipe....but I digress......

Plumbing is always a problem around places, even classy expensive places like Silverhorn Lodge, situated on Silverhorn Mountain overlooking Silverhorn Lake. No heat in the winter means the water has to be shut off and the system drained. Otherwise, frozen pipes result which burst like balloons when the temperature drops. God knows I have fixed enough of them, and it is not in any way 'nice' work. I'm really not sure there is anything that is 'nice' work, in fact come to think of it, 'nice' and 'work' don't really go together do they? Maybe if I was a Rock Star....anyway there I go digressing again.....Usually plumbing trouble means crawling around under the lodge, risking encounters with skunks and giant rubber rats and who knows what else. Besides it is cold and damp under there in April. Even when it is bright and sunny on the lawn. It is especially cold and damp if a burst pipe is pouring ice cold lake water down on your head. Trust me...it has happened to me 764 times.

Used to be, I would crawl under the lodge, propane torch, solder and flux in hand, and a hack saw between my teeth like a pirate boarding a ship, cut the burst part out of the pipe and solder in a replacement piece. Normally I sing while I am doing this just in case there is a porcupine or skunk under there with me. Nothing to it. Real easy. Yup.....except you are usually soldering over your head, while lying on your back with hot solder dripping into your face, hurricane winds blowing out your torch, your flashlight clamped between your teeth. and the contents of your pants pockets spilling out all over the place.

It used to be a good day's work for me because I am not much of a solderer....which goes back to my 'Am I Stupid' article because I have been soldering since I was about 3 years old and I still am not good at it. My father was a plumber, my grandfather was a plumber...his father was a plumber...my Mother did their book keeping...plumbing is in my blood. Well it might be in my blood, it isn't in my brain....there must have been some screw up in the gene pool because I am not a plumber. (adopted maybe??? Have to look into that...) Those poor guys had wrenches and blow torches in my hands since I was old enough to wrench and blow torch. It must have come as a hell of a disappointment to them to find out I wasn't planning to follow in the family business. Imagine their chagrin when I announced I was gonna be a cowboy....Anyway, I didn't do very good in the cowboy business, not much demand for that around here, and I was allergic to horses..but I did no better at soldering.

Lets have a short musical intermission while you female readers of The View from Silverhorn Lodge sing a few bars of "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy....."

Yeeee Hawww!!

OK thank you, now back to plumbing 101...

Where were we? Oh yeah, where there is a will there is a way, or as my friend always says, where there is a 'will' there is an old lady who needs a little loving...oops..digressing again.... After a lot of solder burns, continually leaking pipes, and a few close calls with fire, (not to mention I'm not allowed to play with matches since the oil tank incident) I discovered a solution. (we do the research so you don't have to) The answer is found in little plastic packages called ...shhh don't tell everybody....PUSH N' TURN fittings. They are designed to work on plastic or copper pipe All you do is cut out the section with the leak, and replace it with a piece of pipe and two fittings. A pipe cutter and a couple of adjustable wrenches. They come in 90 degree elbows, 45 degree turns, unions, and more stuff. Works great and it can be disconnected to drain as long as you are careful. Not only do I swear by it, I want to buy the company. It is better, much better than sliced bread..although I do think sliced bread is a lot easier to deal with than unsliced bread...But...unlike sliced bread, these fittings can be difficult to find. Whenever I find some in building supply or hardware stores I buy some of them to have on hand in emergencies. Throw away the propane torch and solder, get some PUSH n' TURN fittings. While you are at it, buy some of the plastic pipe as well cause it will bend slightly around corners, which is just plain cool, however, if you insist these fittings will work equally well with copper pipe.

Another thing that has been helpful in regard to plumbing are my garden gnomes, they can walk around under the lodge a lot easier than I can crawl, so I load them up with the stuff and send them in. The trouble is, the lazy buggers tend to just get under the lodge and stand there. Lazy...lazy... lazy...If anyone knows where I can get a few that will actually work, let me know.

OK One more time !! ""Save a horse ride a cowboy!!

Saturday Yet Again !!

Hi Ya Silverhorners, friends, family and total strangers who found your way here by accident. Welcome to The View From Silverhorn Mountain. It's a Saturday morning here at the Lodge. Kind of cool outside this morning, but the weather folks are suggesting (only suggesting now, they no longer try to predict, they are wrong too often) that the next couple of days will be warmer.

The newly founded Ebay business folks are out burning up $100 worth of gas driving around yard sales. It's ok, they will sell the stuff they buy on EBay and probably make $50. Pretty soon the garage will be full of toys and collectables and junk, and eventually I will move most of it out to the garden shed and jam it in there. Then I will quietly but systematically place one or two 'collectibles' in a green bag and put it to the curb for the other type of collection. You can only have so many cabbage patch dolls and beanie babies around before it becomes a bit creepy.

I have a full weekend planned, gonna do a little work around the Lodge, dig out some more of the dandilions and cut the grass. Then it's under the Lodge 4X4 to either change the oil, or have a sleep, it all depends on how I'm feeling when I get there. It is quite restful under there, out of the sun and the rain and the Mrs thinks I am working hard.

Rumor has it that another Lodge is opening just down the mountain. We will be looking down our noses at them, not on purpose but because they are building pretty far down the mountain. Too cheap to buy one of the lots with a view. Unfortunately for them, our septic field drains just above their well which is somewhat unfortunate. However, they will have some nice green lush grass growing around the well. I am sure their guests will enjoy it......If the owner is any indication of the type of clientele they will attract, a smelly septic field won't matter to them. I'm thinking of presenting them with a couple of old garden gnomes as a lodge warming present.

Well, it is Satturday after all, and I have a lot of things to do, places to go, people to see, dogs to walk, cars to drive, girls to watch, wood to chop, grass to cut, weeds to attack......I gotta go!! I will catch you later.

Thanks for visiting Silverhorn Mountain Lodge. We appreciate your concerns, and your opinion matters, but the writer of this blog is already under medical supervison so don't worry, we already know he is crazy!!

Wicked Weed Weasels and Flying Rocks

Hi Silverhorners
I'm coming to you tonight amidst a sea of boxes, as the EBayer's here have started uncovering everything not nailed down to post for sale at auction. This may be my last post because I fear for the table I am writing on and the keyboard beneath my fingers. As I mentioned, the other night, my monitor is already gone.

A glance in some of the boxes has uncovered many possessions of mine which I take back quickly and put back in the furnace room. That's the problem with internet sales, you can sell almost anything, including stuff that belongs to me......it's easy to get caught up in the excitement of the sale, forgetting that someday we may need that broken CB radio antenna, or the old Don Messer Jubilee fiddle records.

As I write this, the room around me is filled with the sounds of lego being counted and sorted, cabbage patch dolls being dressed and photographed, and Fisher Price toys rolling across the floor. If I didn't know better I'd think Silverhorn Lodge is really Santa's workshop.

I have hidden the gnomes under a bed in one of the guest rooms and told them to lay low until this EBay stuff blows over, which isn't too difficult for them because they are only a couple feet tall. Gotta be careful if we put guests up that room though, they could be in for quite a scare if they discover the little fellas under their bed. Considering the shortage of guests around here, that shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Yesterday I almost got sucked in to putting up my Elvis records, including my prized limited edition numbered Moody Blue LP the last one he made while alive. The record itself is blue vinyl. I said it was worth a fortune, then we found a couple of them already for sale on Ebay, selling for about $20.00, hardly a fortune....I wrestled them back and tucked them away because someday...someday they will be worth a fortune.

I had a go at some more dandelions tonight, at my parent's house. They sucked me in to digging out all their dandelions with a new shiney tool, they just bought, called a Weed Weasel or some such thing. You put it over the weed, step on it and presto, out pops the weed and the root. A flip of the handle and it's in the composter. I am impressed. Of course it is not as much fun as napalm, and far more labour intensive, but it seems to work. It is now on the list of Silverhorn Mountain Lodge recommended products. Along with some other notable stuff like blue rubber gloves and Silverhorn Tequila!! It comes with a porcupine quill in the bottle instead of a worm. (write me and I will tell you why *wink*)

It was a cool night here on the lake, but the forecast is looking warmer for the weekend, yahoo, girls in less clothes, gotta like that!! It won't be long now and they will start showing up everywhere. I am thinking about turning in my driver's licence for a couple of months because my wife says I have too much trouble keeping my eyes on the road in the summer. She just doesn't understand my interest in ladies fashions.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, hit a rock about the size of a golf ball tonight while mowing my father's lawn, it shot out of the mower and hit the side of his garage, narrowly missing a window and his car....whew!! Tomorrow night I have to fix the big hole in the vinyl siding....My mother kept the rock, she said it looked like it had something shiny in it and she was going to have it checked out by a geologist. I think she saved it as evidence and is probably showing it to a police officer right this minute.....I put the mower away, wiped my fingerprints off the handle....

Well I better get going, I am going to try to sell a few Wicked Weed Weasels to my neighbors, for some reason all their lawns are springing up with dandelions....I can't imagine why....

The Boss is Back

Hi Folks, welcome to the Silverhorn Lodge, nestled on the side of Silverhorn Lake, on the side of Silverhorn Mountain. I'm back, had a night off, not sure, but I might have inhaled a little too much dandelion killer. I see that Marcello got in here last night and posted. I bet he said that I asked him to fill in for me. Which of course isn't really the case, poor little fella he wants to be like me so he is always trying to do the stuff I do. He waited until I was sleeping on the couch and snuck in here. There's garden gnome crumbs all over the place, looks like he was eating hickory sticks. No not the kind you buy, real sticks of hickory from the garden.

Marcello's out tonight on a little 'errand' for me. Just between us, he is spreading a little dandelion 'joy' around the neighborhood. As much as he can get annoying sometimes, he is the most loyal of the three gnomes. Always willing to carry out my orders. The wife, (they call her Mrs Boss) sucked them in to posing for some pictures tonight, and not because she thinks they are cute. I think there is an EBay listing in their future. I told them to stay away from her, but you know garden gnomes, they can't resist a chance to pose for a photo.

On a related note, the two girls (you know who you are) that wrote to Marcello commenting on his story and how you find him 'sexy' was very funny.....but c'mon girls, I don't know what you are thinking.........he is a 2 foot tall garden gnome. Let me say that again ladies, he is a garden gnome. He is not going to take part in any of the 'suggestions' you mentioned. He showed me the letters you sent him today, flashed them under my nose, with that smug look on his face. You know the look, it's always the same. Not that I am jealous or anything but....he wants me to let him start a fan club.

Starsky and Hutch movie on the television tonight. We get all the best shows here at the Silverhorn. Takes me back to the original series, this is a remake with new actors etc, and a parody of the original. (parody is a big word, and I am not sure what it means but it sounds like something a movie reviewer would say) so I threw it in. They still have the old Ford Torino that they used to drive back in the 70's. You'd think after all this time they would have a newer car.

Speaking of alligators, and you know how I like to speak about alligators, I see where a 74 year old woman beat one off her leg with a garden hose, geez, last week one pulls a millionaire into a lake, and this week one is attacking a 74 year old lady. I thought these things were tough, but apparently no match for an old girl with a hose. Now, I know what you are thinking, and you are right, it seems these attacks are increasing. I wonder if there is a pattern here? Probably something to do with global warming, it all comes back to that. I think it's time we looked a little closer, I 'll get the Silverhorn Researchers on it and get back to you. In the meantime if you run into any alligators my advice is to run away quick.

Well, it's back to Starsky and Hutch for me, then I have to check on Marcello, see how he made out, he should be back soon from his little 'errand'.

Marcello Writes Tonight

Hi Silverhorner people. This is Marcello. I am what the boss has referred to in another story as a 'garden gnome'. We like to refer to ourselves as little outdoor people. My brothers and I are just a few of the attractions here at Silverhorn Lodge on Silverhorn Mountain, nestled on the side of Silverhorn Lake, the Boss tells me to say that.

The Boss usually writes this but the dandelion wars continue up here on Silverhorn Mountain and I think he might have inhaled a little too much of his 'napalm'. He is under the weather tonight so I thought I might jump on the computer and fill in for him. Boy will he be surprised. It is pretty hard to type with one cement finger that is permanently pointed up, so please be patient.

I helped him to dig a bunch of the little yellow dandelion buggers up tonight, and now I am waiting until it's dark to spread their joy over some of the neighbors lawns. The Boss says it will be easy because no one will suspect a garden gnome of spreading dandelion seeds. We realized tonight that if we dig up all the dandelions, we won't have any lawn left, so now we have a bit of a problem. They have really dug in since the naplam attack on the weekend. Almost need a backhoe to dislodge some of them. The good news is, the spray seemed to have an effect so I think they are going to get another dose before too much longer, just so they know who is the boss.

As you may have guessed, our naturalist, conservationist, tree hugging sensibilities may be lacking a little when it comes to that bloody front lawn. To make up for it, the Boss says we are going to plant the backyard entirely with trees. He's a good guy my boss....

He is watching Criminal Minds tonight, which ranks as one of his favorite shows here at the Silverhorn. He usually make our guests here at the Lodge watch it which sometimes creeps them out a little. Nothing like a show about serial killers just before you go to bed, especially if you look out the window and see the owner of the Lodge talking to a garden gnome.

The Ebayers are hard at work here, trying to keep this lodge from falling into receivership. I don't know if you noticed but business hasn't been exactly booming around here, especially when the boss is handing out free life memberships. Almost everything is for sale according to Mrs. Boss, including us gnomes, so we are trying to keep a low profile when she comes around. We just stand very still and hope she doesn't notice us. I don't think the boss will let us go without a fight.

This is usually a pretty good place to be a garden gnome, not a lot of responsibility, mostly just keep the Boss company, it's a little like being a member of Elvis' Memphis Mafia without the drugs, sex and rock and roll.

It's a little known fact that it is really us that 'does the research so you don't have to'. I know the Boss wants you to think he does all that, but normally it's us, working away uncovering the real truth behind the stories so you can be informed. Each day we meet in the garden for a pre-story session, go over the latest news, letters from our readers and whatever else we come up with that he can turn into a story. Yeah- right, like he really writes this stuff, c'mon you know now who is really the brains behind this organization.

Well, I better get off to the garden, I think Criminal Minds is over and I just heard Mrs Boss ask how much a garden gnome is worth, so I think it's time to disappear.

By now you are thinking, geez, this Silverhorn Mountain stuff is really crazy...well let me ask you this...who is more crazy, a cement garden gnome who writes a blog.......or the people who read it......???

Marcello

Dandelions, Backyard Composters and Rubber Rats

Hi All
Welcome back to the Silverhorn Mountain. Did you miss me? Took a brief weekend hiatus, which means I got a little too lazy. So, what's been going on around the lodge you ask? Well maybe you ask...I assume that's why you are here, there is no pornography so if that's what your looking for try my other blog, it's at.......Ha!

Actually, the staff here at the Lodge don't feel they are being reimbursed properly, so they have launched a new Ebay business, selling junk to unsuspecting Ebayers. So they are keeping the computer tied up all the time checking their auctions and answering emails. I tried to explain that The View From Silverhorn Mountain is more important, but they keep reminding me it's been several months and all I have made is under $9.00......so I have to sneak on here late at night. Thank God I can sleep at work....

Built a backyard composter recently, only cost about $400.00. Well actually $400.00 and a little gray paint, and it came with a televison as a bonus. We bought a new TV for the Lodge some time ago, and I saved the box thinking it would come in handy, except all it really did was get in the way. But I hate to part with anything so I kept it around for about a year. Finally inspiration hit. I painted it gray and took it to the backyard. Then one of the staffers here at the Silverhorn gave me a hand and we filled it with leaves and grass cuttings, a little dirt and a sprinkle of water. Presto! Backyard compost. I check it everyday, so far nothing, just a bunch of leaves and grass clippings in a soggy cardboard box. But I am hopeful. I expect to be spreading compost on the lawn anyday now. If this works out, I may market the design along with the Silverhorn Lodge Emergency Kits, the beauty of this one is that not only is it an attractive addition to the backyard, it comes with a televison.

We hooked up the water in the guest cottage this weekend. First time in years it was largely uneventful, ya might know, the one time I need a story...geez everything went pretty good. A small issue with the taps in the kitchen sink, but no show stopper. If I can't fix it we will just use paper plates and throw away the pots instead of washing them. If we barbecue all our meals, and use paper plates etc, dish washing isn't really a problem. Besides, we can always wash them in the bathtub.......

As I mentioned in an early post, (The Lost Treasure of Silverhorn Mountain) I have a neighbor Bob, who like to play the odd practical joke on me. Which surprises me because I never do anything to him......anyway, as I was crawling around under the cottage grunting and groaning in my advancing years, I looked up over my head, and there staring back at me was a big RAT, teeth bared, fangs at the ready, looking like he was about to pounce. Now I have seen this rat before because he is rubber and he turns up in the most unusual places, all guaranteed to surprise me. Saturday was no exception. I screamed like a little girl, (no offense little girls) and tried to scramble out of it's way before realizing...yeah, it was the old rubber rat trick. The 13th time I have fallen for it.
Well, I got him out of there and now he is somewhere else. I can't tell ya because Bob might be reading this ......

Now I am launching the battle of the dandelion. I go through this every year, dandelions taking over the lawn. I am much too lazy to dig them all out individually like some of my neighbors. I prefer the American way...napalm them. Yup, I spray them with every concoction I can find, so far I have killed a bunch of songbirds and two cherry trees and a lot of flowers....and possibly a coyote, but not one single dandilion. They bend over like they are dead, and the next time I look, they are standing up again and there is more of them. Hence the reference to the American way, just like Viet Nam, napalm them until all ya got is ashes, and then they stand right back up again.

So, I have a new plan, the only reason I really care about the dandelions is because of the neighbors, lets face it, no one wants to be the only one on the block (or in this case the mountain) with a front yard full of dandelions. (although personally, the yellow flowers are kinda pretty). So my new plan...(shhhh, I am trying to keep this hush hush) is to take some of the recent blooming dandelions, with all the seeds, and spread them around the neighbors yards at night, along with a little fertilizer. Then, sit back and enjoy the summer, free of the guilty feeling that I am the one bringing down house values in our neighborhood. I already have enough of that kind of talk going on due to my cardboard composter......

Wrestling Alligators and Fighting Bears

Hi Folks, welcome back, and if you are a first timer, come on in, the water's warm. Another day another dollar here at the Lodge, and a dollar is a bit of a stretch. Only made about .09 cents today in ad revenue. If this keeps up I might have to sell this computer part by part to make ends meet. I already sold the monitor, so if my typing is a little off, it's because I can't see anything.

Someone asked me today if the stories I tell you about here are real. Imagine, are they real? That's like asking if Survivor is real, is the Amazing Race real. All the 'reality' shows on television today and people are wondering if this is real....???? Well, of course they are real, after all, I am doing the research so you don't have to.

Now, I admit, some of the articles might be a little....well...shall we say, elaborated on, but it is purely to help you understand. Hopefully it helps you to put a little bit of the stuff you hear everyday in a new perspective. That's why I call this The View From Silverhorn Mountain. From up here we can see farther than others. Sure, I might stretch the truth a little, but most of the time there is more truth in these musings than on television. This is kinda like reality computer, without the pornography.

Speaking of real, did you see in the news where a millionaire realtor got bit on the hand by an alligator? He was trying to wrestle it to impress his friends. Well, apparently the alligator wasn't in a wrestling mood and instead grabbed the guy by the hand and dragged him into the water. His friends got him back by pulling the gator's tail. Now, here we go again, I find myself asking, "What was he thinking?" This is a guy who reportedly has a million dollars, and he grabs and alligator and tries to get it to wrestle with him. Duh....Buddy...Mr. Millionaire, alligators don't wrestle, they bite....they've even been known to bite the hand that feeds them.

It reminds me of a guy we had around here for a short time. He came North looking to make a name for himself wrestling bears, old Charlie McCormick. He ended up wrestling one bear and picking up an odd nickname. Now Charlie was a tough old guy about 75 and he had seen it all. He had an odd way of looking at you, with one eyebrow way up on his forehead and the opposite eye almost shut. And his nose...well...it was certainly different. Most people thought Charlie was just a permanent skeptic, always looking at stuff like he didn't believe it. Truth is, Charlie had a run in with a bear one night while he was cooking a nice trout on a campfire.

According to Charlie's account, he was just about to dig into his trout when a big black bear burst onto the scene and grabbed the trout right off Charlie's plate. Not one to give up easy, Charlie hit the bear on the head with his frying pan. Naturally this pissed the bear off. He dropped the trout and decided to have a go at old Charlie himself. A struggle ensued, and after a lot of screaming, blood letting, cursing and wrestling around in the fire, Charlie got the best of the bear and got him in a headlock.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with bear wrestling, this is not necessarily a good thing. Once you have a 300 pound black bear in a headlock, you have to decide what to do with him. It isn't always easy just to let go, and bears usually don't cry uncle and give up. Nope, they tend to kick and scratch and scream bloody murder and gnash their teeth. Bears do a lot of 'teeth gnashing' (look it up, they really do).

In the melee, the bear managed to get his paw down in front of Charlie and made swipe towards a 'tender' spot, and apparently connected. His big paw came away with a little more of Charlie than Charlie wanted to part with. The bear held his paw containing the Charlie parts in the air, and bellowed. Recognizing what was in the bears outstretched paw, Charlie let go of the headlock and jumped back screaming before passing out beside the fire and the trout. Most of Charlies scalp and face were torn off. The bear getting free, threw Charlie's parts on the ground, grabbed the trout and apparently a couple of Charlie's beers and took off back into the woods.

When Charlie woke up, he was in the Silverhorn Surgery. A couple of hikers (it's always hikers that find bodies) had come across Charlie, rounded up all his 'parts' and rushed him to the doctor. The doc had sewn Charlie's face back together, but it was a Saturday night and the poor old doctor had had a few too many rum and cokes. Charlie's face was patched up, one eyebrow was missing and the other one was sewn to the top of his forehead. The doctor had put it there to try and grow Charlie a little hair to replace his hair that had gone missing with the top of his head. He had used the rest of the parts the hikers had turned in to reconstruct what he thought at the time was a fine looking nose. Charlie looked in the mirror and gasped, much to the doctor's chagrin. "My nose!" screamed old Charlie.
"Whaz wrong wisth it...?" asked the drunken doctor.
"What's wrong with it??? You drunken butcher, It's not my nose it's my......
Just then the doctor's attractive young nurse walked into the room......and Charlie earned his nickname........Pinnochio.....

Talking to Garden Gnomes

Hi All, Welcome back to SilverHorn Lodge, nestled on the shore of Silverhorn Lake, high atop Silverhorn Mountain. If my typing is a little off, I apologize but I am covered in Croc Bloc and it's making my fingers a little slipperly. However, I haven't seen a crocodile all afternoon.

I hope everyone has had a chance to review the list of contents from the Silverhorn Emergency Kit and you are making your own now, be prepared, several natural disasters are just around the corner, and if they don't happen you'll have a neat box of fun stuff to play with. I gotta tell ya, if you play Milli Vanilli enough, it grows on ya. I think they are going to be big someday!

My team of Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Financial Advisors are currently considering marketing our own emergency kits. If we do, we will make them available to all our paid up members at a deep discount. We care about you and want you prepared and ready for any eventuality.

A Silverhorn Mountain visit is never complete without a comment on something in the news, so here is something I came across today. A Supreme Court judge from the Philippines, (I didn't even know there was such a place as the Philippines anymore) has been fired and fined a bunch of Philippine money for conduct unbecoming a judge. What did he do you ask? not much, he was caught talking to garden gnomes. It's amazing what some people will do, apparently the poor old judge so enjoyed his discussions with the garden gnomes he brought them in to court and appointed them as his advisors.

Armand, Luis and Angel are the three garden gnomes who had been providing the now
ex- Supreme Court Judge with guidance. Apparently, the government in Manila discovered that the gnomes were pretty bright, so they fired the judge and appointed the gnomes to the bench.

We have a few garden gnomes around Silverhorn Lodge. I brought them home from the hardware store a couple of years ago. The clerk assured me they were good workers around a garden, however, I disagree, all I ever see the little fellas do is stand around. But like the judge, most of the time I find their advice as helpful as the advice I get from real people. An evening on the back porch of the Lodge with our gnomes is usually thought provoking, if not profound. It is often entertaining, especially if Marcello plays his guitar and sings.

I have found them to be pleasant to have around, especially when I am in need of someone to talk to, they are very good listeners, although one of them, Carlos, sometimes gets a little wound up and he is a little too opinionated for me. Don't ask him about the war in Iraq, or cinch bugs.

Alonzo, on the other hand, is very quiet, he is my favorite, but I have banished him to the far side of the backyard, facing the forest. He used to be on the front walk of the Lodge, but he got caught looking up the dress of one of our female guests and I had to put him out back. He claimed it was because his is only 22 inches tall and his head is permanently cemented in an upward looking direction. Nonetheless, I had no choice but to move him, the guest was threatening legal action.

I have to admit that on occasion, I have incorporated some of what Alonzo, Carlos and Marcello tell me in these stories. I wasn't aware that talking to them was a crime, I'll have to be a little more careful when I take them to the store for an ice cream.

On another note, our financial folks have turned their skills to marketing now because poor weather is slowing down the tourist trade here on the mountain so we are taking the mountain to them. Online auctions are the chosen route and most of my stuff is flying off the shelves. I only have one pair of shoes left. It's amazing what will sell on the internet. They offered me a job in distribution and shipping, but I declined their offer because I am much too busy keeping you all informed with the goings on around here. Besides I am making money from this, since the first Silverhorn story hit the world wide web, I have accrued $7.22 in ad revenue. I only need another $92.78 and the ad company will be sending me a cheque.

I'm sorry but I have to cut this a little short, apparently Alonzo has snuck into the house and my wife just found him in her underwear drawer, she is mad as hell and talking about selling him on the internet, I have to rescue him before she does, because he tells the best stories of all three of them!!

Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Emergency Kit

Hi, Welcome back to the Silverhorn Mountain Lodge.

As I mentioned yesterday, I received a package in the mail from two of our guests, Carlyle and Alphonse, who have now been bumped up to Life Members of the Silverhorn, (although their membership processing fees are still outstanding). The package is a Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Emergency Kit containing what the senders describe as the necessities of life. The letter that came with the package explained they have developed the kit as a thank you to yours truly for the following reasons and I quote:

"To thank you for the many laughs and long thought provoking moments....."
" To help make life at the lodge that much more pleasant...."
"To get on your good side before you become too bloody rich and famous to remember us 'the little people' who have been die hard fans for too long."
In addition, this sounds a little like extortion, but they also asked to be bumped up to preferred membership packages, and to have a 6 pack of cold beer delivered to them by 4:29 yesterday. I am working on it....

So, what goes in a Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Emergency Kit you ask? Well lets see.....

We have a foot long pepperoni stick which says "Extreme" on it, which is a little scary and I am not sure of the symbolism....a bag of peanuts, described by the senders as "nutritional supplements" with a note that suggests I can nibble on the peanuts while listening to the musical selection....which brings us to the musical selection, a Milli Vanilli CD entitled, Girl You Know it's True, and girls, I am not lying, everything you read here at the Silverhorn is true, or the truth as I know it.......I am listening to the CD as I write this and I am starting to feel a little...well....Milli...It's actually quite good....(not the music, the 'milli' feeling) a little departure from the typical Toby Keith, Willie Nelson and Barry Manilow stuff we usually play here at the lodge. I can imagine Alphonse and Carlyle in bikinis dancing on the picnic table to the sounds of All or Nothing and Dreams to Remember.....
I wonder if this is available in a kareoke version?

Ok, back to the Kit, because they hang on my every word, Carlyle and Alphonse remembered my aversion to the sun, due to my recent brush with almost imminent death from back cancer, and my equally aversive aversion to death by crocodile, so they included 4 packages of "Croc Bloc" which if the message on the package can be believed, will protect me from sunburn and croc attacks. I will feel so much safer swimming in the lake, knowing the crocs will leave me alone.

There is a tube of Off Skintastic, which I mistakenly thought was aftershave and splashed a bunch on last night before climbing into bed.....imagine my surprise when Mrs Parker made me sleep outside on the lodge veranda last night. Personally, I thought I smelled pretty good, and I wasn't bothered by flies all night.

Knowing my firebug tendencies and the importance of fire around the mountain, the ladies also provided some candles and a lighter, and several Tim's fire lighting trays, which some of you more loyal readers will remember is a fire starting tip I mentioned in an earlier story. They are truly observant, these ladies.

Oh yes, the kit includes a pair of nice blue, soft surgical gloves....because ya just never know when you are gonna need a pair of surgical gloves...I am wearing them now.

There are a couple of rolls of toilet paper, with a label that says, "no explanation needed", however I am left wondering.....is there a hidden message there....?

Finally, there was a 'bearer coupon' to the "Sliverhorn Lodge General Store....entitling the bearer to a small box of finish nails, 2 plastic hoola hoops, 1 stale bags of potato chips and 6 cold beverages of my choice. So I trucked on down to the store and rounded up the aforementioned items, got to the counter and presented my bearer coupon to the staff person whose name tag had a smiley face on it, and I believe said Maureen...who smiled a nice phoney smile and said:
"Did you find everything you were looking for?"
"Yes," I replied, "I did." smiling and presenting my coupon.
"Oh-Oh" she frowned, "This coupon is for the SLiverhorn Lodge General Store, this is the S-I-Lverhorn Lodge General Store......"What are you trying to pull.... Bucko"....(she put special emphasis on 'Bucko')
"N-n-nothing" I stammered, twirling the two plastic hoola hoops nervously.
"Well, that coupon is no good here."
I swear she turned her smiley face name tag upside down into a frown.
"But...but...I...." I argued, laying the 6 bottles of Silverhorn Mountain Dew on the counter.
She folded her arms and said," Do you want me to call the Manager?"
Now I know the manager of the Silverhorn Lodge and she is one cranky woman, nobody to mess with over a couple of hoola hoops and a box of nails, so I smiled my best cowboy smile and said, "No, that's OK, I'll just take a sack of flour and a box of bullets..."

Oh well, I already have enough plastic hoola hoops to last a lifetime....

Thank you girls, or shall I say, "Fellow Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Life Time Members" congratulations, you made it!
Oh yes, don't forget, your $43.29 application processing fees are still outstanding.......

Monday Monday

Mondays....yuck, they should do away with Mondays or make them all statutory holidays. I have always wondered what would happen if they did, would Tuesday then become the dreaded Monday? I don't think so, you seldom hear anyone say, "Yuck it's Tuesday..." The other thing that I always wonder about is the folks who work in bars....I have noticed, particularly in the bar I frequent, (The Silverhorn Bar and Grill) the staff all seem happy on Friday, saying things like, "Yahoo it's Friday!" and "Yahoo, it's the weekend!" I always feel kind of sorry for them, poor souls....they all work on Saturday......usually quite late. I haven't got the heart to tell them they are excited on Fridays for nothing. I have also noticed they say "Yahoo" a lot, I don't know what that's about. Investigative reporter that I am, I will try and find out and let you know.

This Monday was particularly challenging, having been away 2 days last week on a management 'retreat' exercise. I was two days behind in Silverhorn paperwork and by the looks of my email, 157.5 days behind in emails. However, today wasn't a total loss, I received a special package at the Lodge, and after carefully checking it for ticking noises and that white powdery stuff what's it called? ...oh yeah, Anthrax, I opened it to discover, you guessed it, an emergency kit sent from two of our previous guests, Caryle and Alphonse.

You'll remember Caryle and Alphonse from an early article (Junos and Tommy Hunter) where they had come to the Lodge for the wild nightlife and skinny dipping. At the time they were mentioned as 'guests' not members. Their lack of membership apparently bugged the ladies, especially after getting a taste of the nightlife and skinny dipping, so in a blatent, somewhat rash, almost embarrassing attempt to get themselves life memberships, they sent me an impressive Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Emergency Kit, (SMLEKIT) (oh-oh, I think that acronym reads 'smelly kit') complete with everything a person might need in an emergency. Although I am not sure just what type of emergency. About the only thing I couldn't find in the kit were condoms, so I guess that is one emergency they weren't expecting.....

Having reviewed the contents of what I am now referring to as the Official Carlyle and Alphonse Silverhorn Lodge Emergency Kit (OCAASMEK) I realize a great deal of thought and work was put into the package. I also realize it has great potential for emergency use. For that, and because I have grown to like these two ladies, I am going to bend the rules and issue Caryle and Alphonse full Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Memberships, on a probationary basis. (some of the membership committee members are still a little concerned about the skinny dipping). Your membership cards are in the mail ladies, your lifetime membership is free, but there is a small annual processing fee of $43.29.

I will be providing a full list of the Emergency Kit contents in the upcoming weeks.

In other news, remember, I do the research so you ____'_ _____ __ (fill in the blanks). Get this one, a member of a prominent motorcycle gang, who shall remain nameless in this blog because, well, lets face it, we are scaredy cats....was arrested yesterday trying to board an airplane from Vancouver to Manitoba carrying a loaded prohibited firearm in a carry on bag. OK....I wish I had this one when I was writing my "Am I Stupid?" story. What was he thinking? Yes, he also had his motorcycle gang jacket, and other gang stuff.

I read this story in the newspaper a couple of times, then I checked the front of the paper to ensure I hadn't accidently purchased MAD Magazine or something, but no, it is true. He wasn't a new member of the club either, apparently he is someone of importance. When asked by airport security what he was doing with a loaded pistol in his carry on luggage, he said it was because the gun hurt his toes when he had it stuck in his shoe.....

Well the Silverhorn Mountain Lodge chief cook and bottlewasher has just called me to supper, so I have to sign out and go. See ya later!