Blueberries!!

Hey Silverhorners! It's blueberry season! No I am not talking about the little handheld /camera/video recorder/pocket organizer/television/personal vibrator/iron/lawn mower/laptop/notebook/calender/radio/disquised as a cell phone...anyway, I think that is called a raspberry or blackberry or some other berry...not as good as a blueberry.

Blueberry's are exceptionally good for you and, unlike other stuff that is 'good for you' they taste great as well. The only trouble is picking the buggers...they are small and low to the ground and it takes a long time to fill a can. But, if you are lucky, like me, you can find someone who actually enjoys standing on an anthill in the blueberry barrens picking them...

When I was a lad here on the mountain, I was friends with an older couple who enjoyed berry picking on a more...well...almost commercial basis...with buckets tied around their necks for two handed picking, they would pick a barren clean in an afternoon, while I would have trouble filling a cup...of course I was always easily distracted and would often wander off following a deer track or a butterfly or a wolf...anything to get out of picking the goddam berries....

Well, nothing has changed I still wait all year for blueberry season, and then pick a cup, eat them and then lose interest in the actual picking....wandering off to follow a passing bumblebee well no more...I have found a dream woman who likes to pick them..and the best part is, she doesn't like to eat them!! Folks it doesn't get any better than that!

Silverhorn Lodge Shirts

with the exciting new Silverhorn Lodge Logo are finally here!

These are the clothes everyone wants this year, in fact, I have a feeling this Christmas, Silverhorn Shirts and hats are gonna be what Beanie Babies were a few years ago...collect them all!!

Well I am off to enjoy another dish of blueberries, hey! my skin is turning blue... so it's good night from Silverhorn Mountain Lodge and a big Silverhorn Thank You to my little berry picker...bring on those berries girl!!

Note: The name of the berry picker has been deliberately left out of this report, because I don't want anyone else to find out and get in on my blueberry provider...

Technorati Tags
Blueberry
Berry Picking

Who's Flying This Thing?

Hey Silverhorners! Hey! Welcome to beautiful Silverhorn Lodge, situated on the side of majestic Silverhorn Mountain, on the shore of shimmering Silverhorn Lake, overlooking the lush greenery of Silverhorn Valley...just minutes from the downtown vacation shopper's paradise, Silverhorn's busy shopping district.

Well, I had hoped to be able to 'wow' you with enthralling stories of the Emmy Awards 'after parties' that I attended on Sunday night, I planned to be hobnobbing with the rich and famous, but unfortunately, there must have been a glitch in the invitation system because my invitation didn't arrive on time...in fact, it hasn't arrived yet. I guess I am not as popular in Hollywood as I thought I was...I feel like Mel Gibson...

Ah, late summer on Silverhorn Mountain, the days are a little shorter, the nights a little longer and the gardens are ripe....fresh yellow and green beans for supper. It has come to my attention that the garden grows even if Marcello and the rest of the garden gnomes don't go near it. Every year, I just sit back on the porch and watch it growing, drooling as the tomatoes ripen...then when they look nice and red through my binoculars...I slip over to the neighbor's garden at night and fill up a basket....

Here is something you don't want to see on a plane. A pilot on a Canadian airplane left the cockpit to use the washroom and upon his return found himself locked out of the cockpit. Yup, the door was locked and he couldn't get back in....imagine sitting there in first class, eating your shrimp, sucking back a whiskey sour, and watching Snakes On A Plane (the movie, not actual snakes) only to look up and see the pilot trying to get the door open to get in to the cabin....I would be ordering a second whiskey....The Ottawa Citizen Newspaper reports that passengers saw the pilot banging on the door and communicating with the first officer by telephone.

Apparently there were about 30 minutes left in the flight when the pilot decided a trip to the little pilots room was in order. The crew finally took the door off at the hinges to let the pilot get back to the controls..The airline company said it was a rare occurance and at no time was there any danger...hello...rare occurance? That implies it may have happened at least once before, they didn't say that it was the first time that happened....No one in danger? Hello? The pilot was locked out of the cockpit...look at the schematic diagram for that plane...the controls are in the cockpit...that is where they fly them from...

The pilot said he was glad to get back in the cockpit, he found the in flight movie a little scary.....

The good folks at Cape Canaveral have been dragging the space shuttle out to the launch pad, then back to the hanger, and then back to the launch pad. First it was Tropical Storm Ernesto and now they have to get that thing in orbit before Hurricane John becomes an issue. Actually they got it halfway to the hanger, then decided to turn back to the launch pad when the threat of Ernesto passed. Now, if they had of gone through with the plan to build a launch pad in Cape Breton, they wouldn't have to worry about it...

In Australia, a brothel is offering a discount of 20 cents a litre on gas...ummm...apparently you fill up your vehicle with gas and present the receipt at the friendly neighborhood whorehouse and they give you a discount that amounts to the equivilent of 20 cents a litre....so you get your gas pumped and then you get....never mind...this is a family blog...Here in Canada, we believe in one stop shopping, you get your gas and get screwed at the same time....

Don't forget to check out the new Silverhorn Lodge shirts available now from Cross The Line Designs. We have a new logo...I'm told the folks at some of the other clothing stores are getting nervous.....

C'mon back tomorrow, we love your company!
Do conspiracy stories and unsolved history mysteries turn you on like they turn me on? If they do, check out
THESE GREAT BOOKS
See ya!
Australia Brothel
Pilot Locked out of Cockpit
Gas Price
Space Shuttle

Fakes On A Plane - Pass the Donkey Milk

Hey Gang! Welcome to The View From Silverhorn Mountain. It's Monday on the Mountain!I have more to report from the camping weekend, but I am going to save that for another night, as we have a few items in the news that deserve some attention.

First of all, what do you think of the strange twist of events in the ongoing JonBenet Ramsay murder mystery? Apparently, the prosecutors in Boulder Colorado dropped their case against the fellow that they brought back from Thailand following his confession. DNA tests failed to prove John Mark Karr was at the crime scene, regardless of his insistence that he was the killer of the poor little girl from Boulder, Colorado. However, Mr Karr did get a free airplane trip back to the U.S. and some publicity. He's back in Colorado in time to get ready for ski season. Hollywood producers are already fighting for the rights to his story for a new movie which they are calling, "Fakes On A Plane."

And speaking of the Am I Stupid files, a woman, (no offense women...it was a woman...) from Hohhot, Beijing, which I am told is lovely in the summer...well, it seems this lady crashed her car...while giving her dog a driving lesson....yup seems the pooch showed an interest in getting behind the wheel, so like all good dog owners she wanted to give him a chance to expand his horizons...while she worked the pedals, Mario Andoggie steered the car right into an oncoming vehicle. But don't worry, no one was injured, however the dog has had his learners licence suspended.....

Here on the Silverhorn, we used to let Marcello, Chief Garden Gnome at the Lodge, drive the old John Deere Lawn Tractor, until the night he got into the dandilion wine and crashed into the chicken coop....we ate chicken stir fry for weeks after that incident....

Bartender, take back that rum and coke and bring me a glass of donkey milk, seems the worlds oldest person, who just died...leaving me to wonder if she is still the world's oldest person....lived to be 116 sucking back the donkey milk...who knew...

Maria Esther de Capovilla from somewhere in Quito, Ecuador, was declared the world's oldest person in December by Guinness World Records, however, the lady from Quito has gone 'quito' and died a month before her birthday...

And finally, good news for fat asthmatic Australians with a hankering to dress up in camo and shoot a gun. Reuters News is reporting that Australia is gonna lower military recruitment standards and let in the fat guys to help them out with regional instability...speaking from experience, there is nothing like a little extra weight to give you some stability...

I have to apologize for the brevity of tonight's post, but it is the first night of the new season of the Soprano's and I have to see who is gonna get whacked....



Well, that's all for tonight folks, I gotta go milk the donkey!!

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." - Robert F. Kennedy

Don't forget to try some of our newest Silverhorn Lodge shirts hats and more!

See ya!!


Technorati Tags
Dog Driving
Australia
Sopranos
John Mark Karr
Donkey

The Tall Dark Stranger

Hey! Silverhorners!! Welcome to The View From Silverhorn Mountain!!


It's Sunday night and I am Travelling in the Footsteps of Binn Laden with CNN so I am gonna do this up pretty quick...I apologize but I am an Official Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Terrorist Specialist, so along with Alonzo, our Lodge Garden Gnome Security Officer, I have to keep up on the footsteps of these buggers..

As you know, we here at Silverhorn Lodge have an interest in animals in the news, and in particular we are following up on a theory that the animals are quietly starting to fight back...well we can add fish to the list. The St. Petersburg Tampa Bay Times is reporting that so far this year, there have been six injuries caused by Sturgeons leaping from the water.

For example, in April a woman travelling by boat on the on the Suwannee River was smashed by a sturgeon estimated between 3 and 6 feet long that jumped from the water hit her in the face, broke part of the boat's motor before jumping back into the river. Now I dunno about you, but it sounds to me like this fish had an agenda to kill this lady. She had to have face reconstruction, and was in a coma for days.

This was the first of six attacks on the river since April. Recently one of these attack sturgeon's knocked a 9-year-old girl from a boat, and get this...sliced her throat, and then broke another female passenger’s arm.

Apparently the 'officials' are all over it though, so rest easy boaters...they are going to post 100 metal signs at boat ramps...yeah...that should do it...

And talk about coincidence....while everyone is talking about the new movie Snakes On A Plane, in Geneva, Switzerland, they have real Snakes On a Train....a train has been blocked for nearly a week after a pet snake slithered from its owners' clutches and hid in the partition walls of the carriage, a local rail company has said...apparently the snake is a wanna be actor but got confused about trains and planes....

Well, this was a camping weekend here at Silverhorn Mountain, two nights sleeping in the Dodge Caravan and enjoying the great outdoors. We had a great time, the weather cooperated and the guitar players were on deck to sing and play until the wee hours of the morning.

I'm not sure, but I think Johnny Cash was there....yes I know I have made allegations about Elvis still alive and living somewhere in the Silverhorn Mountain region before, and now Johnney Cash...but listen to this...we were sitting by the campfire, about 20 of us, listening to our own Silverhorn Mountain guitar player, when out of the darkness appeared a tall dark stranger. He was dressed in dark clothes cowboy boots and a black cowboy hat....He asked if he could join in to our little group...who being a bunch of nice drunks...er camping enthusiasts, said "Sure! Pull Up a Folding Chair Stranger."

"Thanks." he replied, "I'll just fetch my guitar from the truck." He vanished into the darkness, returning moments later with a beautiful guitar and a portable battery powered amp....oh my...he played some guitar riffs that would bring tears to your eyes before launching into a Burning Ring of Fire....it was about then that I started getting a little ...well...uncomfortable...our own guitar player looked at me and kind of shrugged, but bless his heart, he played a riff back at the stranger...

Anyway...long story short, the tall dark stranger said he was from Nashville, was pretty vague from then on, except to say that he played with some of Country's finest including Smiley Bates, (country's finest?)Alan Jackson and he even claimed he knew Randy Travis when Randy washed dishes in Nashville....uh-huh...Now, unlike the rest of the crowd of drunken fools, um....I mean happy campers....I was suspicious from the get-go...around 2:00 a.m. he disappeared into the night...and we didn't see him until dark the next night, when he appeared again, guitar, fiddle and banjo in hand....I never got a good look at his face, shaded as it was by the black cowboy hat, but in the firelight I couldn't help but wonder what he was doing 'camping' in the backwoods on Silverhorn Mountain....

Today's quote, "I am hiding." - Binn Laden

campfire
sturgeons
kangaroos
snakes on a train
music

Boos and Roos

Hey Silverhorners! Welcome to Silverhorn Lodge, high atop beautiful Silverhorn Mountain, overlooking shimmering Silverhorn Lake.

Things are getting back to normal here at the Lodge, the gnomes are all back from vacation, and back at their research projects, finding the stuff you really don't need to know....

One thing we have to get out of the way early, is the story of Boo, the escapee bear who as we all know, surrendered to authorities after a couple of weeks on the lam, during bear mating season....well...I am sorry to say, poor Boo might not feel as motivated to escape next year, it seems that the screws got to him and he was recently...geez I hate to say it....neutered....Yup, Boo the Horney Bear, who enthralled us with his daring daylight dash to freedom, that fun loving boar who allegedly made it all the way to Nevada in a stolen vintage convertible...that sexually charged raconteur who became a symbol of freedom here on Silverhorn Mountain, has had his name changed to Nooboo....well, it's not like we didn't try to warn him...I can't help but think he has fallen victim to the religious right...

Speaking of the religious right..or wrong, depending on your point of view, it seems Rev. Jerry Falwell, citing his belief that life begins at conception, has recently said he opposes stem cell research even though it shows great medical promise...

Falwell, founder of Virginia's Liberty University and the Moral Majority, said he sympathized with those whose conditions could possibly be helped by stem cell research however in his opinion, stem cell research, "does not pass the smell test."

There is a smell test for this kind of stuff? I think his smeller must be all choked up with angel dust....

It's disappointing to us we had high hopes that researchers might someday grow the reverend a brain cell....


Speaking of bull...., a group of farmers in Britain are claiming that cows have regional accents....yes I said cows...have accents....and phonetics experts (yes of course their are phonetics experts) say the idea is not as far-fetched as it sounds...apparently while everyone thought the cows were just standing around chewing their cud, actually they have been listening to the farmers and learning to talk...

I didn't believe this until I heard one interviewed on the British radio yesterday,(up here on Silverhorn Mountain, radio reception is excellent) and although I am by no means an expert on accents, Marcello is, (he stood in the United Nations Building garden for three years with not much to do except listen..oh the stories he can tell)...anyway he assures me that Flossie definitely had a Midlands accent....he said it was evident in the way she said "moooooo"

It seems speaking with an accent has led some cows to be ostracized as an outsider in some barns, so farmers are bringing in linguists to work with the cows and try to correct their speech problems....

Speaking of stupid...here is one for the files...this just in from somewhere in Chicago, Cook County I believe, where prosecutors say a 29-year-old man traveling to Turkey with his mother didn't want her to know he'd packed...er...umm...a sexual aid...this guy is evidently a fast thinker...faced with telling the airport security guys the truth and his mother overhearing, he chose to lie about what the mysterious object that looked like a grenade was...he told them it was a bomb.... I told you he was a fast thinker....he probably could have got away with it if he had said it was a bicycle tire pump.....

He was charged with some kind of felony misconduct and now faces up to three years in prison if convicted...I wonder if they will let him take his um...ah...well...sexual aid with him to the pen....

Frequent subscribers to this diatribe will remember Hoppy the Irish Kangaroo, who to the best of my knowledge is still alive and free bouncing over the Irish heather...well Hoppy might be well advised to stay in Ireland where he is some kind of local legend...if he finds his way back to Australia, he might not get the warm welcome he might expect.

Roos...as they like to call them in Autralia, are...well....lets just say they that unlike the poor fellow in the above item, they are in no need of any ummm...sexual aids...apparently Kangaroos are just like rabbits...and have no trouble getting it up so they can get it on down under...in fact there are so many of the horney..I mean hoppy buggers running around that they are becoming a safety hazard.

At last count there are 57 million kangaroos in Australia....hmmmm...this is an interesting statistic...how the hell did someone manage to count the kangaroos in Australia, it is a huge place, they all look alike, and they are hopping all over the place...anyway....

The problem is, they are damaging crops, damaging property and competing with the livestock (which by the way, have distinctly Australian accents)for food and water. They were also responsible for some 600 car accidents in 2004...but that number has decreased in subsequent years since the roos have started taking driving lessons...

But seriously folks...it's a problem, the big problem is the Kangaroo is Australia's national symbol...hmmm I always thought it was Crocidile Dundee...so they are naturally a little squeamish about killing them, although this may be a recent squeamishness because up until now, they have managed to overcome their squeamishness and kill millions of them a year....

So good old Aussie ingenuity is at work and the local government (officials) have announced a scientific trial of contraceptives..tenders are out for Kangaroo Condoms and someone to put them on the kangaroos...er...hmmm...roos....

This just in, scientists have kicked Pluto out of the solar system...this came as quite a shock to the gang at Walt Disney who had hoped to release a remake of some of his best cartoons...you heard it here first!!

kangaroos
Reverend Gerry Falwell
Boo
Cow Accents
plane
stem cell

Urban Raccoons On the Attack

Hey! Did ya like that opening? Just "hey" not hello, or good evening or good morning...a nice simple entre...I'm always impressed with someone who uses that as a greeting, instead of the more traditional "Hi" or "Hello" or "How are Ya?" It's probably not high on the politeness scale, but it has a nice relaxed, comfortable ring to it, and somehow it just seems more well...informal. I am going to pass a motion to adopt that as the official "Silverhorn Lodge Hi Sign"....err..well..I guess we will have to call it the official "Silverhorn Lodge Hey Sign." Whew...there is a paragraph of complete fluff for ya.....

Well it was back to the grind today following two weeks vacation...I know, it seems like I am on vacation all the time, and although that may look like the case, in reality I am working all the time...thinking...yes I think for a living...but so far it hasn't been all that good a career choice for me....perhaps my other career choice, cowboy, might have been more profitable...if I only could have got over that fear of cows...

Moving right along, frequent readers of this diatribe...eh..crap...eh..I mean blog, know that my team of Silverhorn Lodge Researchers led by the infatigable Marcello, who is also our Chief Garden Gnome and t-shirt star, know that we have been closely following what looks to be a conspiracy...yes, I know what you are thinking and you are correct, I am referring to the animal conspiracy, Boo the Bear, Crusty the Croc, and Hoppy the Irish Kangaroo, not to forget that guard dog who attacked Elvis Presley's favorite teddy bear...

Well lock up your dogs and cats folks, the raccoons are getting organized. Yup, those cute little fellows are not so cute any more. Gangs of them are attacking and killing cats and dogs in Olympia, Washington, and if it can happen in Olympia, it can happen anywhere. So far the gang has been credited with killing 10 cats, attacking and trying to carry off a dog as a prisoner and biting a dog owner. They're called "Urban Raccoons" and if you live in an 'urban' you could be a target. So far they have stymied all attempts to catch them, with the exception of one caught by a trapper, but he isn't talking. Witness reports are sketchy at best, apparently everyone in the raccoon gang was wearing a black mask....(I bet Leno or Letterman use that one...or if they don't Craig Ferguson on the late late show won't let it go unused)

Here at Silverhorn Lodge, we used to have trouble with raccoons, we tried stationing Alonzo on top of the the garbage cans with a pellet gun but he wasn't much of a shot, then we gave him an air horn but that didn't work, he ran out of compressed air doing God knows what...but finally we succeed by playing some recordings of the wife singing "Paper Roses" at the annual Silverhorn Lodge Karaeoke Idol Competition held each year at the Silverhorn Lodge Karaeoke Lounge,Bar and Grill.....

I was going to tell you about Willy the Tourtoise, who, to the uninitiated, is a really big turtle, who escaped his confinement in South Carolina July 1st. He got five miles before he was caught....But I have decided to save that story for a slow news night....

And speaking of Ireland, 50 Irish Companies have signed a pledge to not spend company cash at lap dancing clubs. Apparently lap dancing is pretty dam popular in Ireland, (who knew) and it is getting pretty pricy, so the companies have signed some kind of a charter...leave it to those Irish...our reporter on the scene says they are going to use credit cards instead and get the air miles and bonus points...besides, it is apparently much more fun to swipe your credit card than stick a pound note in a thong....

I recently inquired about buying a ticket to fly to Britain, and was asked if I would be carrying a musical instrument...I smiled and asked if the lovely ticket agent had heard about some of my kareoke stylings, and if she had, she would know my voice is an instrument..some would say of torture, but I digress...anyway, it seems musicians are no longer allowed to carry their instruments on planes as carry on baggage, they have to be stored as a security measure....now I don't know how you feel about this, but it sure makes me feel much safer knowing the bluegrass band in first class isn't going to start playing midway to London....that could be a long flight.....

We love to keep you informed here at Silverhorn Lodge, and our team of researchers are going nonstop finding stuff that you need to know, and they have stumbled on a big one...apparently Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadingad, which is pronounced, Mr. President, has a blog...and you thought it was just me doing this....in fact Iran is the blogging capital of the Middle East...I'm trying to get a link, I think that might drive traffic through the roof....

The Mayor of New Orleans, Ray whathisname..or yeah Nagan, is urging folks to come on home...apparently they got things mopped up a bit down there and they are putting out the call to get folks back...interestingly they are calling people home just two weeks before the anniverary of Katrina, and September, the worst month of hurricane season....there is talk that everyone who returns gets a complimentary rubber boat and a life jacket....

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." - Napolean Bonaparte

"Hey" - Robert Parker, The View From Silverhorn Lodge

Click here to get some great clothes, funny slogans and Silverhorn Lodge stuff

Urban Raccoons
New Orleans
Mahmoud Ahmadingad
Musical Insturments on Planes
Irish Lap Dancing
Olympia Washington

Socks on a Plane - Dead Pigs on a Nutbar

Hey Silverhorners! Sunday at Silverhorn Lodge, situated as you know by now, high atop Silverhorn Mountain, overlooking shimmering Silverhorn Lake, which may in fact be shimmering because it has been damaged by acid rain...

Well, just got back from driving lessons with one of the family, no I am not learning to drive, the oldest daughter is...so I bravely volunteer to go with her as we careen through the streets and highways. We used to stick to parking lots but that got frankly kind of boring...much more excitement playing chicken with traffic. I am a little more of a thrill seeker...actually we, and I say we, are doing quite well, and today was the best yet, two or three close calls and a lot of screaming...then I calmed down and we got along fine. It's a good thing she is patient.....

Last night I was kicking up my heels at another Silverhorn Lodge Dance and Drinking Party...the drinking comes first, then the dancing...I vaguely recall doing some of that Russian, or Ukranian Kick Dancing just before my head hit something...which someone told me later was the floor...then the kick dancing took on whole new meaning and I learned not to lie on the floor next to a bunch of drunk people trying to learn to Ukranian Kick dance.

I came across something in the news from the Associated Press, it seems that at least 100 young women reported being sexually assaulted by U.S. Military recruiters last year. They reported being assaulted on recruiting couches, in government cars and being groped when writing entrance exams...believe it or not, the Army has had some 766 recruiters accused of sexual misconduct since 1996...this is one horny bunch of recruiters...must be something in the water...apparently the Pentagon figures this number is too low because they have committed 1.5 billion dollars to additional recruitment ventures this year...that will buy a lot of couches and condoms...

Well, apparently no blog is complete these days without mentioning the new movie release Snakes on a Plane, which apparently has disappointed audiences and the movie distributor as it has less than terrific sales when it opened this weekend...it made it to the top spot, but only barely, the experts (there is an expert for everything) say it's because the title tells too much...the story is about a bunch of venomous snakes that get loose on a plane..duh...apparently that is too much information, so people figure they don't need to see the movie. Interestingly, these are the same experts who have been drooling waiting for it's release. Perhaps they should have called it "something on a plane" then people might go to see what the something was...or even more pertinent, "Water Bottles on a Plane" then we could go see it to find out what all the fuss is about water bottles on planes...or even better still..."Socks on a Plane"...that seems to be very important to the security guards..they always want boarding passengers to take their shoes off, I assume to ensure their socks match, or perhaps to make sure their feet don't smell..I can see where smelly feet would be an issue in the closed confines of a plane.Keeping with our motto, we do the research so you don't have to, I have assigned our Silverhorn Lodge Movie Reviewer Gnome Luigi, the task of viewing the movie and letting us know what he thinks of it...so look for his review here, as soon as the movie comes out in VHS and can be bought for a dollar at the Silverhorn Mountain Video Grocery and Camp Suppy corner store.

Now listen to this...and then try and tell me the world isn't frigging full of frigging...frigging crazy people, yes, even friggin' crazier than me...In London there is an art gallery showing a naked woman holding a dead pig for four hours...and people go to watch, one person at a time for 10 minutes...the 'artist' (read nutbar) just sits there with the dead porker while the rest of the 'nutbars' line up for a chance to watch for 10 minutes...and probably pay to do so....the only possible explanation I can come up with that would explain people going to see this crap is that the artist has a knockout body.....albeit covered by a dead pig...

The 'artist' is Kira O'Reilly and she calls it "Inthewrongplaceness."

It's idiots like this and the idiots who condone it, who give art a bad name. Have you ever noticed that most of the self described artists have no real art talent, but are great coming up with artist statements...Ms O'Reilly has to be given honorable mention for coming up with a an artist's statement with no equal. Here is what the 'artist' said about this frigging foolishness...

"The work left me with an undercurrent of pigginess, unexpected fantasies of mergence and interspecies metamorphoses began to flicker into my consciousness."

There...good Silverhorners..is the quote for today..."unexpected fantasies of mergence and interspecies metamorphoses." how the Hell could I expect to come up with anything to beat that.......?
Do conspiracy stories and unsolved history mysteries turn you on like they turn me on? If they do, check out
THESE GREAT BOOKS
Snakes On A Plane
Kira O'Reilly
Breast Implants
Military Recruiters
Driving Lessons

Is Elvis Hiding in the Golf Grass?

Frequent readers of The View From Silverhorn Lodge know that Marcello and I have a certain amount of respect for things that want to live wild and free, like Boo the Bear, Crusty the Alligator, and Hoppy the Irish kangaroo...well I have a new hero to add to the list, Golf Grass has made a break for it....yes that short sweet smooth grass has escaped the confines of the back nine and is growing wild and free in Portland Oregon. Apparently the stuff has grown quite resistant to weedkillers and other things that take their toll on regular everyday grass, and is spreading....now for some reason, officials seem upset by this development. I say, bring it on!! I have been trying to get my lawn to look like a golf course for ages, but the closest I can come is having holes...

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 reward for anyone who can find Elvis alive? Yup, on the 29th anniversary of his 'death' a fellow by the name of Adam Musiewicz is offering a reward to anyone who can drag the King in...As you know, conspiracy theorists have theorized theories for years that put forward compelling theories that the King is really alive and well, albeit a little older....Now sometime ago I alluded to knowing something about the possible wearabouts of 'L' as those of us in the 'industry' always called him...perhaps you recall this from one of my early reports:

Here on Silverhorn Mountain, we pride ourselves on not being too nosy, (not noisy - nosy) and that's what makes our little hamlet such a great place to live, especially if you are a presumed dead celebrity. We Silverhorners are pretty good at keeping a secret too, so the celebs are pretty happy to move right in and make themselves at home. We have quite a few of them now, I can't name them of course, but let's just say that Karaeoke Night in the Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Karaeoke Bar is well worth the $2.00 cover. Now I am not saying if he is here, because, well that would be just wrong....but Forbes Magazine has ranked Elvis Presley's estate as the worlds richest, earning $52 million last year. Not bad for a guy that 'died' in 1977. One of our locals, who goes by the name 'Chuck' deposited a little under $52 million in the Silverhorn Bank a couple of weeks ago, it was a little shy of $52 million because he bought a pink Hummer......

Three million eh...hmmm...that's a whole lotta shakin'.....

And speaking of out of this world, it would seem the Cape Bretoners hoping to build a space rocket launch pad on top of Cape Smokey are right on time...a bunch of astonomers meeting in Czechoslovakia have found three new planets to add to the list...that's three new vacation destinations for the folks who sign up for a future Cape Breton travel Vacation...here is a recent pic of the new found planets taken from the AFP NASA files.


I usually stay clear of comments on American politics, but does anyone else find it a little odd that President Bush signed a new pension reform bill as he is winding down his term and heading for retirement...?

Speaking of retirement, here are a few of the ladies from the Silverhorn Lodge housekeeping staff, just two more years of unbroken employment here at the Lodge and they will be eligible to enroll in our pension plan.


By the way, nothing personal but are you wearing a condom?? The nice folks at the Toronto, Canada, Condom Conference are decorating their little (I am assuming little, but some of the braggards might be using the larger sizes) rubbers up and pinning them to their lapels..gotta love Canada...stick a condom on your lapel and head to town!! Nothing new around here though, for years we have been putting them over the heads of Marcello and the rest of the garden gnomes every time it rains....
Now I know what you are thinking...all those condoms people have 'pinned' to their lapels...pinned....somebody didn't think that one through...

If you go down to the woods today..be sure of a big surprise...cause this is the day the ticks stick to your legs and other places...yup, you know us here at the Lodge, we think safety first and I can't stress this one enough..make sure you wear your pants tucked into your socks and your sleeves down, and smother yourself in a deet based bug repellant, especially if you like to roll around in golf grass...unless you are a voluptuous woman, in which case a bikini is more appropriate...I will keep the ticks off you personnally during your stay at Silverhorn Lodge.

Speaking of condoms....
Three of the silverware Mountain Bridge and Poker Club ()ladies were having 'tea' and talking about life.
"I think my husband is having an affair" said the first "I found a pair of panties in his jacket pocket".
"What did you do" the second lady asked?
"I went into his office over the weekend and I stapled them to his office door, right where his secretary, co-workers, and boss would all see them."
The second lady said "I think that my husband is having an affair also. I found a condom in his jacket pocket."
"What did you do" the first lady asked.
"I took a pin and pricked it full of holes and then I put it back" said the second lady.

The third lady fainted.

"He who laughs last didn't get it." - Helen Giangregorio

Elvis
Elvis Alive Reward
New Planets
Ticks
Golf Grass
[NASA]

Rainbow over The Silverhorn Lake

Here is a picture of a rainbow over Silverhorn Lake last weekend. I am still looking for the pot of gold and thought I had found it until this second event happened.....



Now as you can imagine the addition of a second rainbow made looking for the pot of gold a challenge...we split up and Mario and the boys went after the second one...they haven't come back yet....click on the image to see it larger...duh...

Get Breast Implants...Save Your Life and Look Good Too

Howdy Silverhorners! Welcome back to The View From Silverhorn Mountain. A beautiful summer day in store for us, so let's get to this so we can get outside and enjoy the outdoors on Silverhorn Mountain.

This has been a busy week so far. Had to put together a swing chair for the lodge, you know one of those self supporting three seaters that have a little roof over them and are ok to sit on as long as you are sober...it would have been easier to put an engine in the Silverhorn Lodge Utility Vehicle, but with the help of two of the guests, Marcello and I got it together...and the good news is, we have almost enough spare parts left over to build a second one...we are waiting for someone to sit on it....

And speaking of recent guests to Silverhorn Lodge, we had one fella here this past week that looked so much like Colonel Saunders that everytime I saw him I got a craving for fried chicken...in fact I ordered a Three Piece Meal....I couldn't decide if it was his white hair and goatee that reminded me of the good Colonel, or if it was just that this guy looked greasy....covered in sunscreen....I did get a little concerned when the wife said he looked good enough to eat....I assigned Alonzo, the Silverhorn Lodge Garden Gnome Chief of Security to watch him....

So what else, lemmie see...oh yeah....I spent a couple of days trying to figure out how to get my dock hardware back from my 'neighbor' remember, he is the new guy who seems to think it looked better on his wharf than mine...I decided on swimming over to his dock underwater using my G.I. Joe mask, snorkel and flipper set I got for my birthday...when I was 10.....His dock is about 100 yards from mine...so it was quite a swim...in the dark (did I mention I figured I would pull a Navy Seal routine and launch my attack in the dark?) Anyway...I greased up in black ashes from the fire, loaded a sack with wrenches and hammers and other sundry tools...pulled on my underwater gear and made the plunge.. (note to self, never plunge headfirst into the water wearing a mask)...that's why the Seals go in backwards...I always thought they did that because they were scared...anyway...about halfway there one of my swim fins came off, dammit, leaving me a little lopsided....I ended up swimming around in a circle until morning...my wife kept shouting to me in vain, until she finally rowed out in the Silverhorn Lodge Rowboat and pulled me ashore....lost my sack of dock hardware tools too...I dropped them when I started to panic...

Later I asked what she was saying when she was shouting at me...it turns out she was shouting "Stand Up!! The water is only 3 feet deep!!"

No matter, I kept my spirts and my resolve to survive up during my ordeal while I was hopelessly lost underwater by singing the Dixie Chicks tune "I'm Not Ready to Back Down" Personally, I thought it sounded pretty good through the snorkel.....

Well, I guess it's time to review some of the research that Marcello and the rest of the Silverhorn Lodge Research Team have been pulling together while I have been away.

In Jerusalem, breast implants saved the life of a 24 year old woman who was wounded during a Hizbollah rocket attack. Apparently this young lady had such a firm set installed that a rocket couldn't penetrate......ok...gotta be careful with the wording here....anyway, she was struck by a rocket, but lucky for her, her life was spared, thanks to the silicon implants. Plastic surgeons in Jerusalem have been overwhelmed with work since news of this got out from people wanting their own set of implants...most of them members of the army...

Marcello and Alonzo and the rest of the Silverhorn Lodge Garden Gnome team wouldn't let me get away without reporting this one, a recent survey has found that 3/4's of Americans can name all 7 of Snow White's dwarfs, but can't name two Supreme Court Justices's...maybe the justice's should consider going by the names Dopey and Sleepy..

Seen any ugly sheep lately? If you have, the South Australian Research Institute is interested in talking to you. Apparently they are looking for ugly sheep....yes, they are looking for the ugliest sheep for a reality based makeover program called, you guessed it, "The Ugly Sheep Makeover Show" The winner gets a complete makeover including plastic surgery and a new barnyard...

Speaking of sheep, and my penchant (means something I like) for animals in the news, and my theory that they may in fact be starting some kind of animal terrorist faction while the world is busy watching the Middle East, a suicide squirrel in Indianna knocked out the power to 5000 homes when he infiltrated a power station and chewed the wires...power was out for several hours until crews found the problem, the squirrel, who some say bore a resemblance to Osama Binn Laden, didn't make it...

And from the "Am I Stupid?" files...get this one...NASA has 'lost' the video of the first moonwalk...it seems they only had one copy and they lost it...they send people a million miles into outer space and usually manage to bring them back safely but they can't find a Michael Jackson video.....???

Last but by no means least...the local news is reporting that Cape Breton, (an island attached to Nova Scotia by a causeway, for those of you who don't know) is apparently on the verge of becoming a space rocket launch station.....it seems the Cape Bretoner's have lost interest in going to Alberta to work in the oil fields and now want to try going to the moon looking for work....

The above pic is the official uniform of the Cape Breton Regional Areonautics Program and you can have one by clicking here!

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!!"-Homer Simpson

Tags
Breast Implants
NASA
Lost Moonwalk Video
Cape Breton
Ugly Sheep

We're Home!!

Hello, esteemed guests. Welcome to Silverhorn Lodge, nestled on the side of majestic Silverhorn Mountain, overlooking shimmering Silverhorn Lake. The weather has been great up here at the Lodge this last week, and we have been taking full advantage of it....how you ask? By getting in the car and driving away on a few days vacation on Prince Edward Island, where the weather was even better!

So here's the deal, we drove all day to get there, and when we finally arrived at the place where the plan was to rent a cabin...well, they were out of cabins....rented the last one to a guy in a blue truck who pulled in seconds before us....in fact, if the wife had of run for the office like I told her, she might have beat him...but oh no...she has to walk.....

Anyway...it worked out for the best. The good innkeeper, upon finding out that we were fellow members in good standing in the Hotel And Motel and InnKeepers And Lodges Association, (HAMAIALA) was kind enough to rent us an entire house for the price of a cabin, thus putting me up in the kind of accomodations I should be accustomed to. We ended up in a three bedroom 2 bathroom house with a beautiful kitchen, dining room and living room, not to mention the pool in the backyard. The place was situated on top of a hill overlooking most, if not all of PEI, so for the most part, it felt much like here on Silverhorn Mountain, although the view there wasn't quite as good. For one thing, from here we can watch the bears in the village dump....I missed that....

Ok, so it sounds pretty good, but here is the thing....the smell...a very strange smell indeed...it smelled like something died in the house, or under it. And the flies, I probably killed a hundred, and that isn't counting the ones stuck to the glue strip hanging from the ceiling. I made the wife sleep with one eye open...

The owner had told us not to go downstairs...we had the top floor only...and he blocked off the downstairs with a kids gate....bet you are wondering if I went down there aren't you? We stayed there one night, then moved to a less odorous accomodation with a nice view of the highway...

It was great to get back to the Silverhorn Lodge. A little trip is nice, but getting back is nicer. Marcello and the boys looked after things in typical gnome fashion, when we got back, there were dishes in the sink, and some nice thank you notes from some of the guests thanking us for letting them stay at the Lodge for free.....

Don't forget to have a look at the tee shirts and hats and stuff from Cross the Line Designs!!

Monday Morning Coming Down....and Is My Wife Trying to Kill Me?

Hey Gang, welcome back to The View From Silverhorn Lodge! It's a fine Monday morning, the last day of long weekend where for once the weather cooperated around here.

So guys, I gotta ask, because I am a little...well...worried. Did you ever wake up with the feeling someone may be trying to kill you? I woke up this morning with a start to find the wife standing above me, her hand just about covering my mouth and nose. When I jumped up, she said, "Oh you are awake...I was just checking to see if you were breathing." I'm not positive but I think she had a pillow in her other hand which she dropped on the floor...

So....no more sleeping for me until I get to the bottom of this one. I don't think I have done anything to annoy her recently, but who knows...it may just be a culmination of all the things I have done in the past catching up to her.....or me.
Yes, I did leave the bedroom door half closed one night, causing her to run into it with her head and get a concussion, and yes I did slam the car door on her leg one day, trying to be a gentleman, and yes, I do try to hypnotize her at night just as she is falling asleep, and occasionally I do leave my clothes all over the place...and I suppose you could say I make fun of her sometimes...and the other day when she wanted me to wash the floors I did wander away to the neighbors and not come back for 3 hours and I do disturb her sleep every night coming to bed at all hours after being here with you guys, but...OK the concussion one was bad but....

I talked to the Marcello, Chief Silverhorn Lodge Garden Gnome and he has agreed to post Luigi, Silerhorn's Security Garden Gnome in our bedroom for the next couple of weeks...however, I don't know if I will be able to sleep with him standing there pointing his little cement finger at me...

Those of you familiar with these posts, will notice some changes to the sidebar, we have added some new tee shirts and an official Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Hat, worn by all the people who know what is in style these days. We've also added some Cross the Line Designs shirts with funny sayings for girls, boys and dogs!

You'll also notice we've added a guest book, please feel free to sign it, in fact, the Hotel And Motel and Cabins And Mountain Lodge Association Membership (HAMACAMLAM) insist we have a guest book, so not wanting to lose our lodging licence, we've complied with HAMACAMLAM's request.

Well, it looks like another beach day here on the Mountain, so I am off to frolick in the sand. I hope to finish my Sand Castle replica of President George Bush's nose!

Catch Ya Later!

Guestbook

Storks and Meatloaf

Hey Gang! Welcome to The View From Silverhorn Mountain. C'mon in the Lodge is open, the air conditioner is on, and the beer is on ice....well...it was on ice....I think we are out of it now....the beer, not the ice.

I took a walk down by the beach today, along the shore of shimmering Silverhorn Lake, and low and behold (not sure what that means but it sounds cool) there was a big stork standing in the water. I didn't move and neither did he, we just stood there looking at each other, until finally he freaked me out and I left. But that encounter with some of the Silverhorn wildlife got me to thinking....

Did you ever stop and wonder where some of the things we are told as kids comes from? The one that gets me is the "Stork Story" You know, the one parents tell to explain where babies come from. They look you in the eye and say, "Oh yeah, that, well...a stork brought you." Now I dunno about you, but for the life of me, I can't understand:

1) Where the idea for that story came from? and;
2) Why kids like me are so accepting of it. Our parents tell us that and we just say, "Oh, OK" and go back to watching Friday Without Borders on Showcase television, wondering what all the sex stuff is about...and why there are no storks involved.
3)Where do the storks get the kids? I don't recall ever asking where the stork gets them.... I must have assumed he brought the babies from the Maternity Hospital in town.....
4)Is it only one stork, or do all storks do the deliveries?
5)When the storks go south in the winter, who brings the babies??

Editors note: I have asked Marcello and the team of astute Silverhorn Lodge Researchers to look into this stork / baby thing and report back. We'll keep you posted on our findings.

Speaking of storks, do you remember Paradise By the Dashboard Lights? I'm talking about the song, not what you did last Friday night,(which, I am told, may be responsible for more babies than the storks) Well, it seems Meatloaf, that good old rather heavy set rocker from a few years back, has released his first video in more than 10 years. It's titled, "The Monster is Loose" and is sure to be a hit, well, at least the title is cool, as were a lot of his songs. Marcello and the other Silverhorn Research Team tell me Meatloaf has trimmed down a lot since I last saw him, and is considering changing his name to Garden Salad. I'm thinking this weekend at the Silverhorn Lodge Annual Kareoke and Summer Wind Bikini Beach Party I might just be convinced to perform my rendition of Bat Out Of Hell.....

And speaking of celebrities, what is going on with good old Mel Gibson? I saw a picture of him yesterday and he looked remarkably like Saddam Hussein when the troops pulled him out of the hole he was hiding in. Apparently Mel got himself into a heap of trouble over some comments regarding the Jewish faith, and is now blaming an alcohol problem for his loose lips. Well, loose lips sink ships, (and look funny)and it seems Mel has sunk a few ships with his comments. I understand he has signed up for AA or a similar program of help and self discovery. I dunno, but I think he got a little crazy after Braveheart....

My sharp team of Silverhorn Researchers, led by the indefatigable Marcello, also discovered that our boy Mel, who has been referred to as a Aussie, was actually born in the New York area and his family moved to Australia during the Viet Nam era...I found that rather disappointing given Mel's role as Lt.Colonel Hal Moore, in the 2002 Viet Nam movie, We Were Storks..er..I mean...uh...Soldiers.

Did you hear about the woman in Council Bluffs, Iowa, who got glued to a toilet seat in a public washroom in a shopping mall? Apparently somebody had put glue on the seat before she sat down, and she couldn't get up...the fire department had to get her unstuck. She said it was "one of the most embarrassing momemts of her life...." Now...I know what you are thinking, if this is only 'one' of the most embarrassing moments of her life, I really want to hear about the rest of her life....she got glued to a toilet, and the fire department have to unstick her...I'm thinking she must have some dandy embarrassing stories....I'm thinking book deal....

Some of you have written or called asking where Marcello and the rest of the boys have been of late. Well, they have been around, but keeping pretty busy with the Silverhorn Lodge apparel business, which they are now calling

Cross the Line Designs!

Be sure and check out the shirts, hats and other Cross the Line Designs. So far, Marcello is the only one to have his picture on the clothes, which has caused some consternation between the rest of the gang, in fact, they aren't speaking to each other.

And now, turning to dogs, or is it that this blog is going to the dogs..? Did you hear about Barney, the doberman guard dog who flipped out and destroyed the priceless teddy bear that once belonged to Elvis? It seems Barney and his security company (well, not actually Barney's company,the company he works for...duh...Barney's a dog, I doubt he owns the company) were hired to protect an exhibit of famous teddy bears, worth thousands of dollars, well, Barney took one look at Mabel, Elvis' bear and pounced, tearing it and several others to pieces. A spokesperson said that Barney had some unresolved Elvis issues which developed after listening to the Elvis classic, Hound Dog, and went beserk when he saw the teddy bear.

Barney got a suspension from guard dog duty, but unfortunately, Mabel the Bear had to be put down.....

Today's Silverhorn Mountain Lodge Quote,
"I'm not a done deal. I'm a work in progress. I'm still extremely flawed." - Mel Gibson
Well said Mel, well said, now please take your seat...

Yee Ha!!
Let's put this one to bed, we're outta here!!

Mel Gibson
Barney Teddy
Meatloaf
Guestbook

The Wayward Wharf Returns

Hi Ho Silverhorners!! Welcome back to Silverhorn Lodge, situated on the side of majestic Silverhorn Mountain, overlooking shimmering Silverhorn Lake. I'm back after a brief hiatus, (that means break) I missed you guys...

Things have been pretty crazy around the lodge. I finally got the main section of my missing wharf back, come to find out it was tied to my neighbors shoreline all along....go figure....I seached all over the lake, and it was tied up next door all the time...neighbors being neighborly, he lightened it up some for me by removing all the expensive dock hardware, and then tied it back up closer to my place without the hardware...then he said he didn't know it was mine....figure that out......then after telling me he took all the expensive shiny dock hardware, he told me he wanted his rope back. He wanted his bloody old poly yellow rope back....

Anyway, I brought the wayward wharf back and smashed it up to a million tiny wharf pieces, which made a lovely campfire which was enjoyed by yours truly and two Silverhorn Lodge guests who were staying on a free weekend guest pass....I think they may also have had a weekend pass from one of the local government institutions as well. But I digress, we had a terrific fire, watching the wharf burn up, and it was an even better fire when I threw on the screen door from the neighbor's cottage and the wheels off his new lawmmower...I can't wait to watch him cut the grass....

I have to admit, although I am sure it is hard to tell, I was a little upset, but I think I am over it. Dock hardware removal is the unwritten rule of lost docks. It must be in the Cottage Handbook that if a dock shows up on your shoreline, you are entitled to strip it of anything valuable for free. Kind of the law of Silverhorn Lake, except it is usually only done to docks belonging to strangers, not your frigging neighbor. He is fairly new to Silverhorn Lake, so I will tread lightly, but he is getting off on a bad footing. Marcello and the boys wanted to burn him out but I thought that a little too radical, those gnomes, always up for a fight. Besides, none of us are allowed any matches since the old "Dirt Burns" incident.....

The astute among you will have already noticed that the Silverhorn Lodge Store has been replaced by Cross The Line Designs, or CTL Designs. We had to do something to keep up with the demand for

**Silverhorn Lodge Stuff!**

Be sure and check out the shirts, hats, bags, and other great clothes, it's what the well dressed blog Silverhorn Lodge Member will be wearing this year!

We have also added a few new links for some free stuff that you might like, such as a free deck of cards for those rainy days at the Lodge, or a free skipping rope, you can't have too many of those.....carry one with you where ever you go and your friends will call you an athlete, or maybe they will just call you "Skippy".....

wharf hardware
tee shirts
Guestbook